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relationships

Posted on October 1, 2019

Tinder VS Nurture: has online dating exposed human nature?

Dating

Throughout my years of attempting to navigate the bewildering world of modern romance, I’ve had many aversions towards online dating and widely used apps such as Tinder and Plenty of Fish.

Without delving straight into it or coming across as deeply judgmental, I will simply say that for the good part of the first few years Tinder surfaced into today’s dating world, I was under the impression that they were reserved for singletons who had a hard time managing to secure dates in real life – to be perfectly fair, I have no doubt in my mind that many of us shared a similar sentiment at one point or another.

It is not untrue that the growing popularity of Tinder and online dating has positively impacted the calendars of not only the socially awkward types who could never work up the courage to ask someone out on a date face-to-face. But also the calendars of individuals who simply do not have the time to meet a potential partner in ‘traditional’ ways.

Even with that in mind, I can’t help but wonder if the pros of helping those who might just have an overwhelming fear of facing rejection could possibly outweigh the cons of replacing the instant chemistry, emotional connection and sexual tension that could only be detected in the presence of a human being towards whom we have an attraction for.

I recently had an epiphany about modern relationships which made me question a lot of my views surrounding them. It came about because I recognised that I was gradually turning into a cynic about love, sex and relationships. As someone who has always had a very positive – and possibly even naive outlook – on everything that falls within the scope of love and dating (we were all Charlotte Yorks at some stage in life), I found it disheartening to see myself develop an attitude that is the antithesis of what I’ve always stood for.

This forced me to look deeper into common behaviours within modern dating and recurring patterns that I’ve been seen both in myself and the failed relationships of others. It made me question the dreadful future a lot of singletons of today and Tinder users may be heading towards.

It forced me to question whether the existence of Tinder and online dating and the increased accessibility we have to each other is a large part of the reason why men and women alike are less attracted to the idea of settling down and are instead moving more towards being sexually liberated about whom we explore our carnal desires with.

Did the burning desire to freely explore our sexual choices always exist within us and are dating apps simply revealing what we’ve always subconsciously wanted or can we hold online dating at all accountable for the fact that less and less millennials are getting married?

tinder or marriage

It’s a loaded question that has many layers, not only because there are other factors that need to be taken into consideration, but particularly because it brings in the conversation of monogamy and its biological implications. It suggests monogamy is simply a social construct that goes against human nature – an argument for which there is a lot of evidence, but a discussion for another day.

The topic at hand is the classic ‘egg or the chicken’ debate. Did the desire to be sexually free birth a large number of dating apps or did the large number of dating apps birth a generation in which the the average age of brides and grooms continue to rise?

Before we can attempt to look at this objectively, we need to look at the facts. The internet was only made widely accessible about three decades ago. In retrospect, that isn’t a very long time to fully understand or even attempt to grasp the full repercussions of having such an advanced technology be so readily available. One of the first popular dating sites came about nearly 25 years ago, and following the likes of Ashley Madison and Seeking Arrangement, it led to a lot of negative connotations.

To the contrary, the first marriage records date back to the 19th Century in Ireland and much earlier in the U.S. So how can we truly know the impact of online dating on the human psyche and the evolution of marriage? Thy say social media addiction activates the same areas of the brain as taking a class A drug, now that alone should be enough to startle us.

According to the Central Statistics Office, there were 20, 389 opposite sex marriages in Ireland in 2018, a drop from 21,262 recorded from the previous year. The average age of brides and grooms last year were 34.4 years and 36.4 years respectively.

Granted, there are a considerable number of reasons for this and I am in no way shape or form suggesting that online dating alone is the reason why the average age of grooms in opposite-sex marriage was at the highest to date last year. But it does make you question what role dating technology currently plays and the impact it will continue to have in coming years. After all, for those who do get hitched, one in four couples end up going their separate way.

Now that’s something to think about.

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Posted on April 23, 2019

Dating women in their 20s VS dating women in their 30s

Dating

Yes, you read that correctly and no, I haven’t started swimming in a new dating pool…

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I guess I should address the second burning question some of you might have: what brings such an intriguing debate to a blog that typically explores topics surrounding dating and relationships from the perspective of a black female from a small town on the Emerald Isle?

The answer is pretty simple.

In my days of interrogating men of varying backgrounds and interests (as you do) there was something startling about their views that I took notice of fairly quickly. The majority of men I would have had heated discussions with about the dynamics of male/female relationships all shared a common denominator: a staggering number of them had similar sentiments about dating women of a certain generation.

Years ago, this topic would have not peaked my interest in the slightest. But now that I am gradually moving into a new age bracket, I’ve naturally developed a growing curiosity towards it. But rather than discussing the development of my dating life throughout my twenties, I thought the best way to tackle this would be to get an honest opinion from someone whom I have often turned to for genuine dating advice.

Without further ado, here is an anonymous blog contribution from a 30-something year old Irish male who will share his thoughts on the matter 🙂

So I have been asked to write down some of my thoughts on dating and my observations on the scene. I myself am no shining example of a human but I would stick myself somewhere in the middle of that list. 

On to the topic at hand, the first thing is finding a woman to date: do you do it old school and analogue or digital? Nowadays we are spoiled with options.Trying to get a date growing up was scary as hell but also fun. You could walk up to a girl and start talking, be polite or maybe a bit cheeky, whichever works and then ask for her number. You would try your best not to sweat, panic or mumble while she more than often was actually quite sound and understanding. Regardless of whether or not they were interested, they respected the effort. 

Well that’s all in the past and as we all know digital communication has taken over everything, and now single again in my mid-thirties I was left with the challenge of getting to know this new form of interaction. Tinder seemed like the most logical starting point so I set about doing my research into how it works to get myself off on the right foot.  

As most of you know …

The first option beyond which gender you would like to match with is age, which is exactly what is being discussed in this blog. So what are the differences between dating women of varying ages from the point of view of a 35-year-old man. After a number of dates with “women” (girls) in their mid-twenties I learned something awesome. I experienced something of what it would be like to be an old rich guy who got a divorce and now has his new trophy girlfriend. I was literally able to have map out holidays, redecorated the front room, plan out the next day in work all in my head while also keeping up with the conversation at hand. Needless to say, the idea of banter did not exist. For me this is a must.

The next age range was roughly 27 to 32. But I will skip this one for now and focus on 32 plus. 

What can I say, sophisticated, witty, well-dressed are just some of the observations any man with a half an eye could make. The sad truth is that I noticed there was a desperation to the dates. Sometimes it came across as knowing what they want, but often I had the impression that they were like that guy in the night club at half two in the morning just trying to chat everyone up because he’s panicking at the idea of going home alone again. I get it, I have been to too many weddings over the last couple of years and they are like the bouncer of our lives telling us to drink up and go home, and most likely alone if it is that late. 

I think these were the first generation of women who truly had close to the opportunities men had and along with this were also sold a lie. 

Like everyone in the 80’s/90’s was sold the lie that if you got a degree you could do anything. Women of the same age were told they can have it all. Has anyone had it all? With the ever-increasing acceptance of social behaviours and career opportunities I think some of this generation thought they could simply focus on career and then pick up a man once they had achieved what they wanted. Now with the unfair situation of the ticking biological clock the pressure is on and how can a healthy relationship develop in this constraint while also trying to hold down a career and figure out a mortgage.

So (my favourite word and greatest indicator of my lack of intellect), to the remaining group…

I could focus on the positives of which there are many or I could focus on the negatives. But the truth of the matter is it is not the difference in age, it’s the difference in narrative that they were sold. I found this generation to be fully aware of the impossible challenge of having it all. They understood that finding an acceptable partner to try and make a life with is not a past time but a job in itself and every jobs require sacrifices. Unlike the generation before them they knew what they wanted and how to get it. Surely this is the narrative that should be sold, to men included, you cannot have it all but if you are lucky, work hard, choose wisely maybe you can get what is important to you.

Until next time,

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Posted on September 14, 2015

5 types of men you’ll meet before your thirties

Dating

5 types of men you will meet before your thirties

A few people have asked me why I stopped writing my relationship articles – if that’s even what you can call them! But to be honest, it isn’t the easiest topic to write about. While I try my best to be as witty and as humorous as I can, some of the experiences I’ve written about are a bit personal. I guess you just have to know me on a deeper level to be able to pinpoint when I am speaking the truth and when I’m just having a laugh (which I do quite a lot).

Anyways, seeing that one of my relationship posts (8 Types of Men You Should Avoid Dating) has been shortlisted in the Blog Awards Ireland, I’ve decided to let my inner Bradshaw shine yet again!

So here’s something fun, light-hearted and maybe, just maybe a bit personal – you just never know with me! 😉

Here are 5 types of men you’ll meet before your thirties:

1. The one you thank for breaking your heart

Nobody likes picking up the pieces after a relationship comes to an end. It can be disappointing and a devastating reminder of what could have been. But the one thing I can say about the pain of heartbreak is that it teaches us valuable life lessons that nothing else ever will. For starters, it teaches us that we can’t always get our hearts desire and that situations are not conducive to what we want. It shows us that emotions are fickle and how we can’t really rely on them to make decisions. Lastly, it teaches us the brutal truth about life: it goes on. No matter how heartbroken you are, people will continue on making their coffee every morning, the bus schedules will continue to run as normal and your neighbours Golden Retriever will continue to howl in the middle of the night – harsh, but true.

the world doesn;tstop

2. The one who changes you

And I’m not talking about the reason behind a drastic hair change here, I’m talking about the one who gives you a whole new perspective on life, love and relationships.  Whether it was from a good experience you had with him or a bad one, he is part of the reason you look at things differently. After a romantic relationship, some people change for the better, while others change for the worse. Hopefully, in your case (and mine), we will always grow and change for the better.

3. The one you’ll look back and laugh at

Remember that one guy you pictured your life with? The one you believed would be the father of your kids until things fell apart. Then, you thought you’d never get over him. Well where is he now? I bet you wouldn’t recognise him in a lineup! There’s always one guy you just can’t think about without having a little chuckle with the girls. They’re usually the ones you envisioned your life with and spent weeks eating cookie dough to get over. Thankfully, we are well past that stage and know that pain is only temporary. What you cry about today you may laugh about in a few years from now!

thank god

4. The one you couldn’t seem to get rid of

This guy claims to be head over heels for you. He tells you that there is no other woman out there quite like you and that all he wants is a chance to prove to you that blah blah blah blah blah…. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before! No matter how many times you tell him that it’s never going to happen, he just persists and persists. These kinda guys are probably good for your ego at the start. But after the ego feed, reality kicks in. They just become an annoyance because they just can’t seem to get the hint.

5. The one you’ll always remember

And then there’s him. The one who holds a special place in your heart. No matter how much you care about him, deep down you know that he isn’t the right person for you. He is the one who makes you feel enlightened about love. Even though it didn’t work out, he makes you want to love again. After him, all you’ll want  is  a meaningful relationship and something long-lasting and worthwhile. He’s the one that will always have a piece of your heart, he’s the one you’ll always remember.

everyone has a robin

Hope you enjoyed my ‘big comeback’ and if you’re new to my blog, be sure to have a read of my previous dating articles!

Also, don’t forget to vote for 8 types of men you should avoid dating in the Best Blog Post category and 7 reasons your diet isn’t working in the best Health & Wellbeing category! Thank you all in advance! 🙂

Click here for vote for Best Blog Post: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/P6PP695

Click here to vote for Best Health & Wellbeing: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/PPBJNMZ

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Posted on October 4, 2014

8 signs it’s all in your head

Dating

signs it is all in your head

I recently spoke to a good friend of mine who was telling me how devastated he was about something that happened between him and his love interest.

While it was quite saddening to listen to, I also thought it was a bit of a relief – let’s face it, men aren’t exactly the best advocates for showing their emotions, so I found it quite comforting to see this happen for a change  (especially for him).

So what went wrong?

In my opinion, he made the classical mistake some women make when they are overwhelmed by the emotions they feel for someone – create something that isn’t really there. That’s right, he was in a dream-lationship (I totally just made that word up!), nonetheless, that’s exactly what was happening.

signs it is all in your head 2

So what are the signs that it’s all in your head? What are the signs that indicate you’ve been creating a relationship that doesn’t really exist and is simply a figure of your imagination?

Since being young and naive subjected me to go through exactly this (I like to think I’ve grown), I don’t find it too hard to pinpoint some of the behaviours and actions of someone who is clearly delusional about what is happening between them and their love interest.

Here are the signs that you need a reality check:

1. He never pops the question
He never mentions anything about going on a date with you, meeting up or simply spending time together. If he wanted to take you out, then you would have known at this stage.

2. You’re the only one starting sentences with ‘I feel’
You have no idea how he ‘feels’ and yet you are under the impression that you’re drawn to one another. You can’t unilaterally decide how he feels without him giving you a speck of a hint! It just doesn’t work like that.

3. You constantly imagine going on dates with him but you never actually GO on them
You see where I’m going with this one?

4. He never really rings you….or texts you…. or contacts you
Basically, he doesn’t show any initiative. You text him first, you Viber him during his lunch break: you are always making the first move – kinda self explanatory don’t you think?

if he wants you

5. You wonder whether or not you’re going to hear from him
If you’re concerned about the next time you’ll be hearing from him then clearly you haven’t established any sort of relationship with him.

6. You’ve never even kissed or been in a situation where it is likely to happen
Does the word friend-zone sound familiar at all?

7. You’re doing all the talking
It always seems like getting words out of him is almost like drawing blood from a stone. Yes, there are shy guys and then there are guys who are just disinterested.

8. You don’t know much about him                  
Again, you shouldn’t have to drag anything out of him. If the feelings were mutual then he would more than likely be talking to you about his interests.

If any of these are just too close to home, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate the situation! Lord knows I had to…..

Feel free to share your thoughts on this, if any and hope you have a great weekend! 🙂

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