Browsing Tag

women

Posted on June 2, 2018

10 inspiring body positive women

Confidence

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, body positive means accepting your body as is, even with the flaws. Body positivity sounds easy in theory, but in practice, it can prove to be a bit of a struggle since we are constantly being bombarded with images of unrealistic beauty standards in the media.

Although I am a self-proclaimed fitness bunny, my battle with body positivity varies from the usual “I need to loose a few pounds,” instead, it comes from – dare I say it – skinny shaming.

Yes, skinny shaming is a thing.

You see, it is often assumed that people who are slim automatically have body confidence and are therefore never subjected to being body shamed or feelings of insecurity about their body. This is simply untrue.

Growing up as a skinny teenage girl – please note that ‘skinny’ is never a compliment – come with its negatives when you are from a community that praises larger women.

Not living up to the stereotypical black girl features of beautiful curves and a ‘big black booty,’ in many ways, made me feel that I was lacking as a woman. It led to my obsession with becoming an avid gym goer and doing an excessive amount of lunges and squats in a helpless attempt to build my bum and make so called booty gainz.

I’m now pushing into my thirties and  dealing with being hairier than I was growing up (as if having starving black girl card wasn’t enough😑). I’ve become increasingly fearful of having to deal with the dreaded changes that occur in a woman’s body around menopausal age – early menopause, eh? Just another thing to add to my growing list of irrational fears and phobias….

Overall, my body confidence journey has been a rollercoaster of happy tears and sad ones. I’ve had moments when I channelled my inner Emily Ratajkowski  and thought “You look good girl,” while looking at my naked reflection, and I’ve had times when I couldn’t bear to even look at my skin in the mirror.

Thankfully, I’ve met some wonderful women of varying shapes and sizes that have helped me come to the realisation that body changes are normal and more importantly, there isn’t just one type of body that exists for women – regardless of your skin colour. Being a black woman doesn’t mean having big lips or a ‘big booty,’ it just means being a woman.

Women are not homogenous creatures, we are all individuals with unique features.

It took me decades to realise this and I am finally happy to be at a place where I recognise it is impossible to be one hundred percent body confident 100% of the time. There will be days when we feel good and days when we don’t. It’s just the reality of it. As long as we remember that it is less about fitting into a specific box and more  about creating your own box of what being a beautiful woman means to you.

So today, I wanted to celebrate female bodies of all shapes and sizes for the simple reason that being body positive  is not about everyone looking a monolithic way. It is about embracing the beauty in the differences. Whether you are softer in some areas or are constantly on the lookout for skin improving  products, you don’t have to have one look to be body positive or have body confidence.

These are women who I have met in the past or know personally. I feel that they exemplify true body positivity. I’ve asked them about everything from skin problems to maintaining body confidence to perception of female bodies during motherhood.

Thank you to all the beautiful women for getting involved in this. But most of all, thank you ladies for being you 🙂

1. Brooke Moore

Beauty Vlogger & cast of Channel 4’s Genderquake

I’ve been thin, I’ve been fat, I’ve been in good shape and I’ve been out of shape. We are so hung up on body image but whose body stays the same their whole lives? It’s so important to love your body at every stage of your life. If you’re lucky enough to live a long life it will change 100s of times.

2. Rachel Martin

Vlogger & Social Media Influencer

Normally I would edit a photo like this to give me a ‘better’ shape but I decided not to – there’s no reason to hide! ‘It doesn’t matter what size you are, it doesn’t matter if things juggle where they’re not supposed to. That’s still beautiful #ashleygraham

3. Nadine Reid

MUA & Ambassador of courage and self-love

I learned to walk each day with courage and the belief that I am beautiful. Not one person has ever told me otherwise, why would they? I am beautiful, kind, talented, joyful and some days fabulously stunning. I pray every woman can beleive in their beauty too, it is a life changing feeling.

4.Lesley Goulding

Skin Blogger

Love the skin you’re in. No matter what shade it throws your way. This thick layer of white, beige, yellow, pink, chocolate, mahogany, whatever coloured, elastic stuff protects you. So take care of it.

5. Rosee Daisy Byrne

Health & Beauty Blogger

It’s really hard [to post these photos] but I’ve learned to not give a s**t somehow!

6. Grainne

Skincare Ambassador & previously competed in the bodybuilding bikini category to gain stage experience.

Always focus on yourself and your own progress. What works for me may not work for others. Your body is beautifully unique and responds and develops differently. So admire but never compare!

7. Aicha Salif

Model, Fitness Instructor and Mother of two

I think social media and celebrities expect you to have a quick snap back after birth and celebrities make it worse. They have the time and money to get their body “right” and then lie to people that it’s all natural. And also, people judge you for dressing a certain way once you’re a mum. They expect you to be more covered up and wholesome looking. There’s constant judgment about the right and wrong way to be a “good” mum. Eventually I just looked at my kids and realised they are happy and healthy kids. They love me for me regardless of how I look.

8. Jen Morris

Social Media Manager & Beauty Vlogger

Steps to the perfect bikini body are as follows: 1. Have a body 2. Put a bikini on it. Do I have the perfect body, no! Do I own my curves, you betcha!

And my final two gals who are also kindred spirits with Emily Ratajkowski and embrace nakedness….

9. Funmi Obadeyi

Fitness Enthusiast & Mother of one

There is some huge problem with body confidence that I don’t seem to relate with. I’m so happy in my body, if anyone thinks I don’t look amazing due to whatever, F them! So please speak it out to these girls that they are beautiful the way they are and no one is perfect.

10. Deborah Bux

Lead Makeup Artist & Freelance Fashion Stylist

Fake it till you make it!

These women are all living proof that there is more than one look that can attribute to body positivity, the beauty lies in the differences.

I came across a quote on Twitter recently that has stuck with me since, ‘if tomorrow, women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies, think about how many industries would go out of business.’

The problem doesn’t lie with your body, it lies with the people who profit from convincing you that’s where the problem lies.

To follow these beautiful ladies on Instagram, click on their photos 💗

Twitter Facebook Instagram

Related Posts

  • 10000
    If you’re anything like me - ageing by the second, reminiscing on the prime of your beauty, worried about early menopause and so on and so fourth....then you probably feel somewhat anxious about your skin and unwanted body hair on summery days. It is a known fact that natural light…
  • 10000
    It’s nearly mid-January and I’m only getting around to writing my first blog post of 2018. Shame on me is what I would normally say to that. But since this blog post is all about promoting positivity, I’m going to refrain from the usual self-bashing and instead, embrace the fact…
  • 10000
    We've all been victims of self-sabotage. We may not identify it as such immediately, but self-sabotaging behaviour is something I've witnessed in myself  as well as those around me. As you probably know, the first step to resolving any sort of problem is to be aware of what the issue is…
  • 38
    They say hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I reckon foresight is even more useful - Farrah Storr, Editor-in-Chief, Cosmopolitan A little over a year ago I wrote a blog called 12 things I would tell my 20-year-old self. If you haven’t read it yet, please know that I was…
    Tags: positive, body, confidence
Posted on March 8, 2018

Today is International Women’s Day…but what does being a woman mean in 2018?

Sexuality/ women

Disclaimer: This blog post is referring to my own subjective experience of being a cis woman and my dealings with cis men. It is in no way to refer to trans or non binary people, I support them in their journeys and I would never want for this blog post to denounce their gender identity. New experience has taught me that the metrics I use to measure my womanhood are not representative of every woman, they are unique and very central to me (I may touch on the “why?” at a later time). I have no intention of being exclusionary as I wrote this blog from my own personal perspective, which inherently is that of a cis woman. I recognise that not all women identify as women in a similar way to me – and I think these differences should be celebrated! Outside of this discussion, we are all human and that is all that matters! I hope you enjoy this read and I look forward to hearing your feedback 🙂

Without further ado….

What does being a woman mean in 2018?

For all of human history, there have only ever been two sexes: male and female. What separated one from the other is that a male (or a man) has the tools to impregnate a female and a female (or woman) has the reproductive organs to carry out said pregnancy. Simple, right? I’m afraid not.

In our current climate of the Post-Truth era, it is becoming increasingly difficult for people to define what I have always considered to be basic biology. The rise of gender theory and the concept that gender is non-binary and is something that can be chosen by an individual, is creating a landscape in which it is seemingly no longer acceptable to rely on simple biology to determine the things we have always known to be a factually true.

Gender theory removes fixed biological determinants for what makes someone a man or in this debate, what makes a person a woman. It proposes the idea that sex and gender are two completely different categories thus those who are born as male and consequently have male appendages can someday be women simply by saying so.

It more or less looks like this….

While I take no issue with how people choose to present themselves to the world, I personally feel that the contribution of science is something that we cannot ignore, especially when it comes to matters of what being a woman means. The notion that sex and gender are completely uncorrelated perpetuates a free-for-all world where males can be women and females can be men and as someone who has lived and experienced a lot of complexities that not only come from being born a woman, but also be born a woman of colour, I feel that maintaining such an idea devalues my unique female experiences. It fails to acknowledge some of the pressures that I was faced with being born a woman, but most of all I think it  reduces me to just one thing.

I do not have a personal problem with people who choose to identify as the gender that differs from the one they feel they were assigned to at birth, and being a woman who takes an interest in fitness and muscle building – something that some people may view as being typically  ‘masculine,’ I understand that masculinity and femininity can be shaped culturally. However, I also have a degree in Statistics, a mathematical science. So when I ask what a woman is, that question is being driven by the logical part of my soul. The part of me  that is responsible for logic and truly wants to get to the bottom of this sex and gender debate – if at all possible.

I have always been fascinated by the human body and its capabilities and it goes without saying that there is an abundance of scientific research that shows biological differences between men and women. The set of biological traits that differentiate women from men are things that I feel should be celebrated. In fact, some of them are things that I pride myself on.

As a woman I am empowered by my ability to give endlessly and selflessly and offer empathy to those who don’t deserve it. As a woman I am empowered by the relentless fight fought by female activists up to 100 years ago that led to women having the choices we have today. But most of all, as a woman, I am empowered by the fact that I have the tools to bring life to this world. 

Let’s be clear…

That’s not to say that women who cannot bear children are not real women. That’s no criticism on women with a history of miscarriages because they have struggles carrying a full term pregnancy. And it most certainly does not mean that women who choose not to have kids are lesser.

Are we clear on that?

I have my own personal reasons for why I shape my womanhood in the manner that I do and I understand that what empowers me might not empower every other woman out there. But…

I cannot change what makes me feel like a woman.

We all have different versions for what we think constitutes a woman and I am aware that what is true to me may not be necessarily true to every other woman. The variables that I use to define what makes make me a woman are for me and I understand that in a society that is ever growing and changing, it is not the same across the board. Which is why I ask….

What is a woman and what does it mean to be a woman in 2018?

My biggest fear surrounding the current dialogue around this topic is the greater impact of such a narrative. If we say that gender is non-binary and that people can claim membership for whichever gender they see fit then it takes science off the table completely.  If we don’t have a certain set of rules governing what makes a man and what makes a woman, and if we as a collective society cannot decide how to define these terms, then what are the implications for our future generations?

In a perfect world we would have a civilisation where each and every person could live as their best and most authentic self. But unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world and that is why I think it is important to engage with these questions and have these discussions.

To celebrate International Women’s Day, let’s pick each other’s brains a bit. Let’s explore the meaning of womanhood and all the beauty that it encompasses: ask yourself, what is a woman and what does it mean to be a woman in 2018? 🙂

Twitter Facebook Instagram

Happy International Women’s Day to all the ladies who identify as such x

[Last Updated: on Sunday 18th March at 7.00pm]

Related Posts

  • 10000
    TimeHop: A nifty Facebook feature designed to depress individuals who have surpassed the prime of their beauty (for those of you wondering). In my early twenties (when I still had my looks going for me), I used to take pride in the fact that I was never enticed by the…
  • 10000
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC7y5sti8iw While it's never fair to paint every man or woman with the same brush, a recent survey suggests that maybe it is something we should start considering when it comes to matters of cheating. The survey highlights the differences in how and why men and women cheat and the…
  • 10000
    Dear Irishmen, There’s more to us than our colour. There’s more to us than our looks. There’s more to us than the body that you have unjustly exotified because you refuse to look at what we can offer you intellectually. We have depth. We have character. We have value. So…
  • 10000
    SLUT. WHORE. TRAMP. SLAG. These are cheap digs women have used to tear each other down, often in an attempt to make themselves feel more valuable. These are words that boys have unfairly labelled girls after being rejected by a pursued love interest. The insult ‘slut’ and other variations of its kind,…
  • 36
    https://youtu.be/G0ajT6aJWuk Ladies, if you’ve ever been called a psycho by a man then I’m sure you’ll resonate with my latest YouTube video. I’ve explored some of the reasons why men call women psychos. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed putting it together for you guys,…
    Tags: women
Posted on February 27, 2018

Do men age better than women?

Dating

TimeHop: A nifty Facebook feature designed to depress individuals who have surpassed the prime of their beauty (for those of you wondering).

In my early twenties (when I still had my looks going for me), I used to take pride in the fact that I was never enticed by the idea of plastic surgery. Now some of you may not be surprised by the concept of a young twenty something year old – with not a wrinkle in sight – not finding cosmetic surgery attractive. But believe it or not, I would have known plenty of ladies who spoke quite enthusiastically about surgery from a very young age.

Whether I had a big booty or not (I didn’t), any insecurity I had growing up was always something I was willing to suffer through with. I wanted to age naturally and with grace, even if I was a skinny black girl with a ‘pancake’ bum. All the Kylie Jenners in the world would not have made me change my mind about plastic surgery – again, I was in my early twenties so I still had my looks going for me, the importance of this cannot be overstated.

Fast forward a few years (I won’t say how many) but fast forward to a point in my life where I now understand why some women would opt for elective procedures that are said to prevent the much-dreaded “mature” look. There is nothing scarier than looking at an old photograph of yourself at the age of what you regard as the prime of your beauty only to stare back at your own reflection and see that.

Note: If you try this at home, you’re at your own risk.

A lot can change in a short space of time, and these changes can happen fast. So much like any millennial experiencing early signs of aging, I turned to my much-trusted support system: Instagram, every girl’s most trustworthy and reliable friend (that was sarcasm).

Using an Instagram poll, I asked them to vote on something I have believed for a very long time to be true: do men age better than women?

Since this is something I have always believed, I was in complete shock by how divided the answers were. Some respondants thought the answer was obvious and shared similar views to me, while others believed the debate should be around the stigmas attached to female aging. While it isn’t difficult to reason with both of these views, make of what you will on the other more questionable comments people had on the matter.

I did an even split for male and female respondents so that I don’t appear to be propagating my own aging agenda 🙂

  • Question: Do men age better than women?
  • Final result: 58% Yes | 42% No

Male responses

It’s acceptable for a man to grow into a silver fox but women are pressured into looking younger and to not show signs of aging.

Most women are entirely reliant on their looks, they are not subject to the same criteria as men and yet they want all the sh!t men have worked for.

People like the idea of a modern world where we can say women age just as well as men because that’s a nice warm thing for everybody to believe in but that’s just not true. Women have the power from 18 to 30 and then from that point it starts dipping. Men have no power whatsoever till we’re about 28, a woman won’t even look at you until then.

It’s societal expectations. Some men hit their mid to late 20s and look the same into their late 30s/40. I think a part of that is also that we don’t stop growing physically until we hit 25 (I think). I do often wonder though if make up has long term negative effects on someone’s skin from wearing it so often?

Women are better looking for longer, men only get to look good when they’re silver foxes, can’t we have that at least😅

Female responses

In my opinion they don’t age well. I am looking at the all round picture as looks can be deceiving. Men toil alot in their life time, their bodies endure so much that women are the only ones who out live them regardless lol I know this may sound offensive and traditional but it’s true.

Noooooo they don’t! I’m 11months older than my husband and everyone thinks I’m younger than him. Last year a woman thought I was his daughter. She was drunk…but yano It still counts 😂😂

Society is obsessed with women’s beauty being linked to youthfulness. Even in how they pay compliments, a man looking younger than his age is nearly negative and for women a great thing. We say things like “Oh 40 is the new 20”.

Yes they do, it’s so depressing 😭

Women know that after a certain age everything starts to go south in the looks department, that’s why they feel the need to “trap” men.

Regardless of the ratio of yes to no, there is no denying that we still have a lot of mixed responses here. Thanks to my *early aging signs that we shall not yet speak of* I will continue to think that among many other things, us women do not have it easy in the aging department.

So to the person who first coined the phrase ‘black don’t crack,’ I’d like a refund.

Twitter Facebook Instagram

[27/2/2018]

Related Posts

  • 10000
    Dating. I’ve never really been a fan of the term. Not only do I think it’s very American, but the word itself makes me incredibly awkward. Whenever I hear the word date, I automatically picture two strangers sitting in close proximity to one another in an often controlled environment: uncomfortable body…
  • 10000
    When I first heard about sugar relationships, I was rather naive about the whole concept. The notion that a wrinkled  wealthy man could financially support a young and attractive woman while asking for nothing but her presence in return was not something that set off any alarm bells. I thought,…
  • 10000
    He’s Just Not That Into You has always ranked  quite highly on my list of favourite romantic comedies. If I were super religious, I’d treat it as the Holy Bible. I’d recite every single word said by Justin Long’s character (I’ll get into that later) and follow his most valuable…
  • 35
    SLUT. WHORE. TRAMP. SLAG. These are cheap digs women have used to tear each other down, often in an attempt to make themselves feel more valuable. These are words that boys have unfairly labelled girls after being rejected by a pursued love interest. The insult ‘slut’ and other variations of its kind,…
    Tags: age, male, women, men
  • 33
    https://youtu.be/G0ajT6aJWuk Ladies, if you’ve ever been called a psycho by a man then I’m sure you’ll resonate with my latest YouTube video. I’ve explored some of the reasons why men call women psychos. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed putting it together for you guys,…
    Tags: instagram, men, women
Posted on August 24, 2017

5 reasons he might call you a psycho

Dating

Ladies, if you’ve ever been called a psycho by a man then I’m sure you’ll resonate with my latest YouTube video. I’ve explored some of the reasons why men call women psychos.

I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed putting it together for you guys, would love to hear your feedback! 🙂

Twitter   Facebook   Instagram

Related Posts

  • 10000
    After giving it plenty of time and consideration, I’ve decided to finally unleash my inner Carrie Bradshaw. She wasn’t exactly an expert when it came to men and frankly, neither am I. However, I do have some very interesting stories that pretty much go from one extreme to another  -…
  • 10000
    I found out I don't like him. I was just obsessed with the idea of him, even though I still want him. - Anonymous A normal person would look at those words and question the mental health of the speaker. But when those words were spoken to me, I had an 'a…
  • 10000
    I can’t sit here and say that every single one of my exes were idiots, because that would be a lie. But there were certainly one or two – okay maybe three - four max, that I would gladly give that title to. If all the years that I’ve spent being…
  • 66
    About a week ago, I made my second appearance on the Chris & Ciara show. In preparation for the segment, I bombarded my Facebook friends with a survey that I created called 50 shades of kinky VS fifty shades of gay. Disclaimer: less judging and more reading please? Thank you! The survey…
    Tags: man, men, enjoy, women, video, youtube, facebook
  • 55
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYFNq-AO9y8 Happy Monday everyone! I have a new video up on my YouTube channel about some of the positive responses I got to my open letter. In the midst of all the drama and controversy, I did get a few kind and supportive messages from men and women of all ages and…
    Tags: women, twitter, instagram, facebook, men, video, youtube
Posted on March 28, 2017

50 shades of kinky vs 50 shades of gay: the results are in!!!

Uncovered

pegging meme

About a week ago, I made my second appearance on the Chris & Ciara show. In preparation for the segment, I bombarded my Facebook friends with a survey that I created called 50 shades of kinky VS fifty shades of gay.

Disclaimer: less judging and more reading please? Thank you!

The survey was inspired by my most recent YouTube video at the time, where I spoke about a conversation I had with a good friend of mine about pegging and whether we thought it was a homosexual act or not.

pegging deff

I questioned young men and women between the ages of 18 – 34 hoping to get the general consensus on whether or not a woman penetrating a man anally using a strap-on was deemed a homosexual act.

I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise to some of you that there was a handful of people who wanted zero part of it! They were under the impression that strap-on wearing was a hobby and they’ve now labelled me as a pegging fiend – quite the achievement for someone who’s never owned a toy!

But for those who did partake – thank you!  I got some amount of giggles out of it. Your answers were short, honest and to the point!

So without further ado, here are the final results… it’s time to let the people speak! 🙂

Q. 1 What is your gender?

  • 72% Female
  • 28% Male

Q.2 What is your age?

  • 25% between 18 – 24
  • 64% between 25 – 34
  • 11% between 35 – 44

Q.3 What is your sexual orientation?

  • 88% Heterosexual
  • 2% Homosexual
  • 9% Bisexual
  • 1% Other

Q. 4 Please describe your race

  • 25% Black
  • 70% White
  • 5% Other

Q.5 In your opinion have erotic practices and role play become more mainstream since the launch of 50 Shades of Grey?

  • 43% Yes
  • 22% No
  • 35% Not Sure

Q. 6 Would you consider engaging in erotic sexual activity such as the use of sex toys in the bedroom?

  •  70% Yes
  •  2% No
  •  26% Maybe
  • 2% Never

Q. 7 “If a straight man wants a strap-on to be used on him, he is a closeted gay or has homosexual tendencies?” True/False?

  •  45% True
  •  55% False

Q. 8 “If a straight woman uses a strap on dildo on a man she is a closeted gay or has homosexual tendencies?” True/False?

  • 18% True
  • 82% False

Q. 9 What are your thoughts on women using a strap-on dildo on a straight man?

In one word it’s dominating

Emasculating

It’s just wrong!

And on the flip side…..

Nothing wrong with it if both parties are consenting

If he likes it each to their own, although it would make me question him a little

I’d try anything once. No harm if he’s keen for it. Why not give it a shot. Would be fund to see what it feels like to be the one with a penis for once too

I wouldn’t assume he was gay. But I would bring the question up just in case. I don’t view men that enjoy anal penetration as gay, I just think it’s a sexual act they enjoy!

As these answers (along with the others) would suggest, the participants were divided in their opinion.

However, when asked whether a straight man who wanted a strap-on to be used on him was a closeted gay or had homosexual tendencies, 55% said no – more than half of the people who took this survey did not consider pegging a homosexual act!

Have we as a society become more progressive in our views regarding sexuality, or would the survey have generated different results had more men taken part?

Afterall, 72% who took this survey were female and only 28% were male…..I guess that’s something to think about!

Twitter   Facebook   Instagram

Hope you enjoyed this post and don’t forget to watch my YouTube video on this topic! For those of you who missed the segment on Chris & Ciara (Tuesday 21st March), you should be able to find it on the RTE Radio Player!

Happy pegging guys and gals! 🙂

Related Posts

  • 10000
    Photo Credit I think it’s safe to say that yesterday was by far one of the best Valentine’s Day I’ve had in a very long time. Without getting into the details of what I did during the day *wink* *wink* last night in particular, I truly did step outside of my…
  • 10000
    There are a few ways I could have written this article. The first, would have been to touch the topic on the surface and conclude that people who worry about body count (the number of sexual partners a person has) are usually from a narrow-minded culture who don’t see women…
  • 10000
    SLUT. WHORE. TRAMP. SLAG. These are cheap digs women have used to tear each other down, often in an attempt to make themselves feel more valuable. These are words that boys have unfairly labelled girls after being rejected by a pursued love interest. The insult ‘slut’ and other variations of its kind,…
  • 66
    https://youtu.be/G0ajT6aJWuk Ladies, if you’ve ever been called a psycho by a man then I’m sure you’ll resonate with my latest YouTube video. I’ve explored some of the reasons why men call women psychos. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed putting it together for you guys,…
    Tags: enjoy, facebook, video, man, men, youtube, women
  • 33
    He’s Just Not That Into You has always ranked  quite highly on my list of favourite romantic comedies. If I were super religious, I’d treat it as the Holy Bible. I’d recite every single word said by Justin Long’s character (I’ll get into that later) and follow his most valuable…
    Tags: people, man, women, men
Posted on November 29, 2016

Walk of shame or stride of pride? how these 10 men define the word ‘slut’

Sexuality/ Uncovered

slut-shaming

SLUT. WHORE. TRAMP. SLAG.

These are cheap digs women have used to tear each other down, often in an attempt to make themselves feel more valuable. These are words that boys have unfairly labelled girls after being rejected by a pursued love interest. The insult ‘slut’ and other variations of its kind, is quite possibly one the lowest forms of degradation for a woman – and not so much for a man. But why is that?

That is because men have always embraced going out on the pull and having as many one night stands as they please with little judgement. It has always been a badge of honour for a man to say he has scored a high number of sexual partners. While there has been significant progess in the feminist movement, the question as to whether or not women can do the same will always be up for debate.

Some would argue that women are not biologically built to have multiple sexual partner because of the emotional attachment that comes with sharing such an intimate moment with someone. Personally, I’ve always believed in consistent sex with one partner, so monogamy is a topic I will be touching on another time. But today, I want to dig deep into something I’ve been trying to define for a very long time now: What makes someone a slut? how exactly can does one define what or who a slut is?

slut-shaming-3

I am obsessed with this subject matter. I am both baffled and fascinated by how such a broad term has evolved to something that demeans women for being their sexual selves. What is equallying intriguing is how acceptable it is for women to playfully call each other sluts, yet when a man uses it in the same playful tone, he becomes the mysoginist.

I’ll be the first to admit the the word ‘hoe’ is a regular part of my vocabulary. It is not something I am proud of and I should probably work on it. But it is a word that myself and my close friends would often use to tease each other about our sexual adventures. We use the word so regularly and with so little thought that we have forgotten the connotations that come with the word.

So once again, I ask: what is a slut? Is a slut someone who doesn’t believe in sexual limitations? Is it someone who dresses provocatively?  Is it even about promiscuity at all? What is it and what constitutes of ‘slutty’ behaviour?

I’ve asked men of different ages and backgrounds to define the word ‘slut’ in their own words, these are some of their answers:

Someone who sleeps with anyone and everyone –  anonymous male age 31

A guy or girl who has sex with lots of randomers without protection is pretty slutty. Turns sex into something disposable – anonymous male age 27

People who are only attracted to people because of money, status and looks – anonymous male, age 27

Someone having sex often to boost her disastrously low self-esteem – anonymous male, age 34

A girl who has about three or four lads on the go every week – anonymous male, age 28

slut-shaming-2

And then the liberal-minded….

I’ve never really thought of it. I don’t ever consider people to be sluts, I guess if someone were to sleep with your friend, then that’s a slut – anonymous male, age 28

I’ve never considered a girl or woman to be a slut. A slut is someone who is usually misjudged, having been extra indulgent in sex as a means of satisfying or reaching a misplaced search within. To be a slut takes a kind of courage, but also it lacks another form on courage masks are mostly worn. Take ‘em off & you’ll realise everyone is a slut of some type. Sexual sluts, money sluts, control sluts, power sluts, food sluts, attention sluts – anonymous male, age 28

No such thing as a slut. Just unenlightened people – anonymous male, age 32

Everyone is free to sleep around. I don’t judge people who sleep around, but I do judge them if they do it in a wreckless manner like not being safe and not getting tested regularly because if they’re being promiscuous and have irregular partners then that is essentially spreading diseases – anonymous male, age 29

I don’t really consider anyone a slut, I’m all in favour of promiscuous behaviour – anonymous male,age 31

slut-shaming-4

Judging by the mixed responses here, it is fair to say that we have become more progressive as a society when it comes to female sexuality. I for one can hold my hand up to say that my perception of the word slut has changed with both time and age.

For years I’ve always believed that a slut is a woman who pursues a taken man. A woman who goes back and forth between sexual partners. A woman who constantly cheats on her man with little or no remorse. That is how I’ve always defined what I thought a ‘whore’ was.

But now, I think it goes a lot deeper than someone with loose morals. I think using the word in a way to offend or define someone is a skewed and small minded way of looking at things. Unless you use the word to describe a sex worker who gets paid to perform sexual activities, then the concept of “slut” isn’t real.

In my opinion, we will never come to a global agreement as to what or who a slut, a tramp or a whore actually is. There is no universal definition for it and the subjectivity of the word proves it doesn’t exist.

I may not be a slut by my definition, but I could easily be one to someone else. The bottom line is, we’re all sluts to someone out there! Happy hoeing gals! 🙂

Twitter   Facebook   Instagram

slut-shaming-1

[29/11/16]

Related Posts

  • 10000
    There are a few ways I could have written this article. The first, would have been to touch the topic on the surface and conclude that people who worry about body count (the number of sexual partners a person has) are usually from a narrow-minded culture who don’t see women…
  • 10000
    He’s Just Not That Into You has always ranked  quite highly on my list of favourite romantic comedies. If I were super religious, I’d treat it as the Holy Bible. I’d recite every single word said by Justin Long’s character (I’ll get into that later) and follow his most valuable…
  • 10000
    Dating. I’ve never really been a fan of the term. Not only do I think it’s very American, but the word itself makes me incredibly awkward. Whenever I hear the word date, I automatically picture two strangers sitting in close proximity to one another in an often controlled environment: uncomfortable body…
  • 40
    https://youtu.be/G0ajT6aJWuk Ladies, if you’ve ever been called a psycho by a man then I’m sure you’ll resonate with my latest YouTube video. I’ve explored some of the reasons why men call women psychos. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed putting it together for you guys,…
    Tags: men, women
  • 35
    TimeHop: A nifty Facebook feature designed to depress individuals who have surpassed the prime of their beauty (for those of you wondering). In my early twenties (when I still had my looks going for me), I used to take pride in the fact that I was never enticed by the…
    Tags: women, men, age, male
Posted on June 23, 2016

Uncovered: the exception VS the rule

Uncovered

he's just not that into you

He’s Just Not That Into You has always ranked  quite highly on my list of favourite romantic comedies. If I were super religious, I’d treat it as the Holy Bible. I’d recite every single word said by Justin Long’s character (I’ll get into that later) and follow his most valuable advice to bag the man of my dreams.  But because I’m neither religious nor with the ‘perfect’ man, I tend to re-watch it whenever I feel the need to be brought back to reality so that I can ponder on whether or not I am the rule or the exception in modern age dating.

Since it can be near impossible to come to any conclusion of such matters without some advice from those around you, I usually find myself asking my trusted friends and family for their opinion.  Although I don’t always agree with what they say at the start  (when do we ever?) there is something that I was once told which has had an everlasting impression on me.

I was once told that I was raised through Disney, and how Princess Elsa is my alter ego. Initially I found these remarks rather amusing. However, the more I think about it and continue to live my life in the way that I do, the more I’ve started seeing some truth in these seemingly ridiculous comments.

princess complex

I’ve spent my whole life thinking I am an exception. And by exception, I mean extraordinarily special. Of course, I am special, aren’t we all? But just not always as special as our egos would have us believe.  Not always as ‘special’ as the girl who has a one night stand and then ends up in a long term relationship with the person. Not always as ‘special’ as the couple who were each other’s firsts and lasts. These are classic examples of what being ‘special,’ or should I say, ‘the exception,’ really is. They call it the exception because they are uncommon situations. They are outliers in a world where dating apps such as Tinder and POF promote the idea that people are dispensable.

In the film, He’s Just Not That Into You, Justin Long’s character (Alex), has a theory for the rule and the exception. The rule: the predicaments that the majority of people in the dating pool find themselves in. The exception: the not-so-common situation.I like most people, have often been the rule. I’ve dated men who have ‘hit and quit,’ I’ve impatiently waited for a text that never came through and so on and so forth. In these instances, I wasn’t the exception, I was the rule. And if you’re anything like me, then that can be a hard pill to swallow. It’s never an easy fact to accept being the rule when you’ve spent your whole entire life thinking otherwise.

Now although I agree with the foundation on which this theory is based and despite being ‘the rule’ for a good chunk of my dating life. I have to say, I still think it is a tad bit flawed as a theory.

exception

To me, the word ‘either’ is quite limiting. It implies that you can only be one of the two. But judging from the people around me and those who went from ‘being the rule,’ to being the outlier, I’ve come up with my own little theory for single women struggling to find out how ‘special’ they really are: you can be the rule and the exception: it just depends on the man.

I think that women who have spent a large portion of their dating life being the rule, simply haven’t met the man to make them the  exception. As the saying goes, ‘one day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked with anyone else.’

All hope is not lost, and no matter what happens, it never should be because in hindsight, you’re an exception. You’re an exception in a world full of men who are making you believe you’re the rule.

Never forget that princess 🙂

Twitter   Facebook   Instagram

Related Posts

  • 52
    https://youtu.be/G0ajT6aJWuk Ladies, if you’ve ever been called a psycho by a man then I’m sure you’ll resonate with my latest YouTube video. I’ve explored some of the reasons why men call women psychos. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed putting it together for you guys,…
    Tags: ve, man, men, women
  • 34
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC7y5sti8iw While it's never fair to paint every man or woman with the same brush, a recent survey suggests that maybe it is something we should start considering when it comes to matters of cheating. The survey highlights the differences in how and why men and women cheat and the…
    Tags: men, women, people, man
  • 33
    About a week ago, I made my second appearance on the Chris & Ciara show. In preparation for the segment, I bombarded my Facebook friends with a survey that I created called 50 shades of kinky VS fifty shades of gay. Disclaimer: less judging and more reading please? Thank you! The survey…
    Tags: man, people, men, women
  • 30
    SLUT. WHORE. TRAMP. SLAG. These are cheap digs women have used to tear each other down, often in an attempt to make themselves feel more valuable. These are words that boys have unfairly labelled girls after being rejected by a pursued love interest. The insult ‘slut’ and other variations of its kind,…
    Tags: women, men
Posted on April 2, 2016

Uncovered: Body count matters

Sexuality/ Uncovered

body count

There are a few ways I could have written this article. The first, would have been to touch the topic on the surface and conclude that people who worry about body count (the number of sexual partners a person has) are usually from a narrow-minded culture who don’t see women and men as equal and think that a woman should never sleep with more men than she can count on both hands.  Either that or I could have just started with ‘Hi my name is Filomena and my body count is XXXX’ – throw in a few extra X’s for the shock factor  – and then just patiently waited for people who have absolutely no right to comment on how I live my life to pass judgment and make unnecessary remarks.

But see this is the thing, do we as humans ever have the right to define or police a person’s sexuality? No, we don’t, but we do it anyways. We have been brought up in a world where women in particular are deemed to be sluts if they have a high number of sexual partners.  She loses her value as a woman, she is no longer desirable or worthy of love because of course, the number of men she’s given her body to is a reflection of how much respect she has for herself.

But why is it always women? Why do women always get the short end of the stick? I can’t think of a single male who would ever be concerned about his body count. Heck, most of them don’t even know what theirs is! But God forbid a woman ever loses track of how many men she’s slept with – it is the crime of all crimes. You’re a woman. You’re supposed to know how many people you’ve had sex with. You’re supposed to keep your number low because like cars, your value decreases the more you’ve been ‘used.’

What saddens me the most is that certain cultures actually promote men to have multiple mates. They entitle it. And to me, this is where the whole body count craze becomes a gender thing.  They endorse the idea of men having several partners. In fact,men are praised for it because there is nothing degrading or belittling about having more than one partner if you have the ‘privilege’ of being a man. And it is usually the same people who worship men for their promiscuity that regard women with a high body count as whores.

master key

This brings me to another issue.

What exactly is a high body count? What I consider as high is very different to what you may regard as high. The notion ‘high body count’ varies from person to person. There is no global agreement as to what constitutes as a high body count number, so why do some of us hold it with so much significance?

I have a group of female friends who hold body count with remarkably high regard. Who believe that exceeding a certain number of sexual partners is something to be ashamed of.  This way of thinking made me raise all sorts of questions. For starters, is it just an African thing? Have we been conditioned to believe that as women of African descent, we should remain as pure as possible if we wanted to be worthy enough to secure a husband? After all, it is my African friends in particular who are so infatuated by this.

Out of curiosity, I decided to ask a few male friends to get their perspective, and to try to make sense of it all. The men I queried were all of different ages, races, backgrounds and beliefs, and although some of them felt that a woman’s number shouldn’t be looked at in isolation. The majority were of the opinion that a woman’s body count does matter. Some even admitted that they would look at a woman differently if she had what they considered to be a high body count.  I must say, I was genuinely gobsmacked by some of their responses:

“To me personally it’s very important. I look at a woman very differently depending on the number of men she’s slept with and I don’t think the same applies to men. If a woman your age has slept with 15 men or more I consider her to be a bit of a slut” – anonymous male, age 28

“Yea, I do feel it’s important. Many guys would not take a woman seriously if they knew she’s been around. Hence why men like to be with a woman who isn’t very well known,” – anonymous male, age 26

“A key that can open many locks is a master key. But a lock that has been opened by many keys is worthless. Double standard, I’m afraid” – anonymous male, age 33

“Guys behind the scenes they talk about this stuff, particularly if they’re settling down with a girl. If they only want to be with her once, they don’t really care. In fact they nearly like that she’s been with loads of people because they know she’s easy and a sure thing. But for the purpose of taking her home to your parents, that’s a whole different ball game,” – anonymous male, age 33

“If you think about how men and women evolved sexually, you will see that it doesn’t really make sense for a female to be promiscuous. In fact, it can be detrimental,” – anonymous male, age 32

“Does it matter to whom? The individual? or society in general? In case of the individual, no it doesn’t matter. In the case of society, yes it does matter. It matters to men. It is best for a woman not to discuss it at all. No man wants to hear it,” – anonymous male, age 31

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what this says about society as a whole. But instead of concluding that this whole fixation with body count is down to culture and gender alone, I’ve decided to keep the topic open for discussion.

Thoughts?

Twitter   Facebook   Instagram

[2-4-16]

Related Posts

  • 10000
    This time last week, I was absolutely dreading writing this article, let alone actually publishing it. But after having received one of the most heart-warming gifts by a very good friend of mine, of a framed certificate to congratulate me on completing 12 months of celibacy, I took it as a sign from…
  • 10000
    Before you start attacking me or accusing me of oppressing female sexuality again, just hear me out for a second here. I re-watched the first Sex and the City film the other night and one of the scenes got me thinking about a topic I’ve been meaning to write about:…
  • 10000
    I can’t sit here and say that every single one of my exes were idiots, because that would be a lie. But there were certainly one or two – okay maybe three - four max, that I would gladly give that title to. If all the years that I’ve spent being…
  • 34
    https://youtu.be/G0ajT6aJWuk Ladies, if you’ve ever been called a psycho by a man then I’m sure you’ll resonate with my latest YouTube video. I’ve explored some of the reasons why men call women psychos. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed putting it together for you guys,…
    Tags: men, women
  • 32
    TimeHop: A nifty Facebook feature designed to depress individuals who have surpassed the prime of their beauty (for those of you wondering). In my early twenties (when I still had my looks going for me), I used to take pride in the fact that I was never enticed by the…
    Tags: women, men, age, male
Posted on November 6, 2014

10 things to know before going on a Tinder date

Dating

tinder

In today’s world, waking up to Facebook like it’s a daily newspaper has become the norm. With trendy apps such as Instagram and Snapchat, engaging in social media has becoming increasingly popular and people are using dating sites a lot more now than ever before. So when the mating app Tinder first came out, I wasn’t surprised by how many of my friends were using it.

I’m not going to lie, I did download it myself – but that was only because I was curious to see what all the hype was about (not to mention, I was also in London at the time). I got bored of it fairly quickly and no offense to anyone, but when I got back to Ireland, there was a lot of swiping left – not a lot of talent going on here.

Anyways, anyone who knows me knows I can be pretty paranoid about things like this (and everything else), but do I know a few girls who have happily gone on dates with guys they’ve met on Tinder and while I make no judgment on their decisions, I do feel that there are a few things that need to be considered before agreeing to go on what is widely known as ‘a Tinder date.’

  1. If you don’t know what he actually does with himself, then you might want to wait a while before agreeing to meet up.
  2. Surprises are good, but not in situations like this. Make sure you send a screenshot to a trusted friend, so that they’ll know what he looks like – ‘Girl Goes Missing After Tinder Date With Stranger’ is never a nice headline to see.
  3. Some people go through lengths to set up fake profiles, so it could be anyone behind the screen. It won’t hurt  to let someone know where you’re going – better safe than sorry, right?
  4. You could be talking to the same person as your friend – always a good idea to check in with the girls, you don’t want to end up “falling” for the same guy now, do you?
  5. He could – or should I say – he probably  just wants you for the one night. So make sure you’re both on the same page.
  6. It’s quite likely he isn’t looking for something too serious (otherwise, he wouldn’t be on Tinder).Again, know what you’re getting yourself into.
  7. There’s a 99.9% chance that you aren’t the only person he is talking to or planning to take on a date.
  8. He might not show up at all  – yes, this does happen.
  9. You may attract a stalker (I use the world ‘stalker,’ very loosely here).
  10. Once you delete him from your chat, he’s gone on TINDER forever but it doesn’t stop him from finding you on other social media sites.

Have you ever been on a Tinder date? If so, feel free to share your story below! 🙂

Twitter   Facebook   Instagram

Posted on October 28, 2014

Do you like him or are you just obsessed with him?

Dating

obsession

I found out I don’t like him. I was just obsessed with the idea of him, even though I still want him.

– Anonymous

A normal person would look at those words and question the mental health of the speaker. But when those words were spoken to me, I had an ‘a ha’ moment.

It made me realise that a lot of the time, women are simply obsessed with the idea they have of someone. Sometimes, we become so hooked on the image we’ve created of our crush that it starts to look a tad bit like an obsession.

So this leaves me with a very legitimate question: do you really like him or are you just obsessed with him?

Here are some telltale signs you may be on the road to the land of obsession:

1. You can’t go a day without checking his Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn (which you purposely set to anonymous) and all the other social media sites you’ve joined to facilitate your stalking.

2. Everything you think you know about him you’ve heard through a third party (in most cases, Facebook). 

3. Your social media spying has become a call for concern among your group of friends.

olivia boss chick

4. Can you even remember the last time you’ve spent time with your friends? Exactly.

5. His name comes up in every conversation (it’s still a mystery how a conversation about milk ends up being a conversation about him).

6. He is your first thing you think of in the mornings and the last thing on your mind before bed. He is basically wrapped up in every single one of your thoughts – and not in a romantic way either!

7. You’ve lost track of the normal things in life like taking a shower (I joke), but you do feel like you’re slacking behind in college/work.

8. You know his group of friends just a little too well (Remember: you were never introduced to them). 

9. The words  ‘If only he knew how perfect I am for him’ have become something you use on a daily basis.

10. You have continuous thoughts of marriage and what your kids would look like.

11. You seem to be the only person who can see things working between you and him.

12. Your friends tell you you’re obsessed – now if that doesn’t raise the alarm, then I don’t know what else will!

Hope you enjoyed this post! If so, be sure to check out 12 mistakes women make with men and 8 signs it’s all in your head. I also have another giveaway coming soon so keep an eye on the blog 🙂

Twitter   Facebook   Instagram

Posted on October 4, 2014

8 signs it’s all in your head

Dating

signs it is all in your head

I recently spoke to a good friend of mine who was telling me how devastated he was about something that happened between him and his love interest.

While it was quite saddening to listen to, I also thought it was a bit of a relief – let’s face it, men aren’t exactly the best advocates for showing their emotions, so I found it quite comforting to see this happen for a change  (especially for him).

So what went wrong?

In my opinion, he made the classical mistake some women make when they are overwhelmed by the emotions they feel for someone – create something that isn’t really there. That’s right, he was in a dream-lationship (I totally just made that word up!), nonetheless, that’s exactly what was happening.

signs it is all in your head 2

So what are the signs that it’s all in your head? What are the signs that indicate you’ve been creating a relationship that doesn’t really exist and is simply a figure of your imagination?

Since being young and naive subjected me to go through exactly this (I like to think I’ve grown), I don’t find it too hard to pinpoint some of the behaviours and actions of someone who is clearly delusional about what is happening between them and their love interest.

Here are the signs that you need a reality check:

1. He never pops the question
He never mentions anything about going on a date with you, meeting up or simply spending time together. If he wanted to take you out, then you would have known at this stage.

2. You’re the only one starting sentences with ‘I feel’
You have no idea how he ‘feels’ and yet you are under the impression that you’re drawn to one another. You can’t unilaterally decide how he feels without him giving you a speck of a hint! It just doesn’t work like that.

3. You constantly imagine going on dates with him but you never actually GO on them
You see where I’m going with this one?

4. He never really rings you….or texts you…. or contacts you
Basically, he doesn’t show any initiative. You text him first, you Viber him during his lunch break: you are always making the first move – kinda self explanatory don’t you think?

if he wants you

5. You wonder whether or not you’re going to hear from him
If you’re concerned about the next time you’ll be hearing from him then clearly you haven’t established any sort of relationship with him.

6. You’ve never even kissed or been in a situation where it is likely to happen
Does the word friend-zone sound familiar at all?

7. You’re doing all the talking
It always seems like getting words out of him is almost like drawing blood from a stone. Yes, there are shy guys and then there are guys who are just disinterested.

8. You don’t know much about him                  
Again, you shouldn’t have to drag anything out of him. If the feelings were mutual then he would more than likely be talking to you about his interests.

If any of these are just too close to home, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate the situation! Lord knows I had to…..

Feel free to share your thoughts on this, if any and hope you have a great weekend! 🙂

Twitter   Facebook   Instagram

Posted on September 2, 2014

12 mistakes women make with men

Dating

mistakes women make with men

After giving it plenty of time and consideration, I’ve decided to finally unleash my inner Carrie Bradshaw. She wasn’t exactly an expert when it came to men and frankly, neither am I.

However, I do have some very interesting stories that pretty much go from one extreme to another  – that’s putting it lightly.

Also, after hearing stories from female friends as well as other women, I think it’s fair to say we’ve all made one or two of these mistakes at least once in our lives of being ‘young and naive.’

1. Confusing sex with love
Most of the time, sex is sex – nothing more, nothing less.

2. Getting too attached
Being invited over should never EVER translate to leaving your toothbrush at his – even if you did stay the night.

3. Overanalysing
The thinking: the constant and endless thinking that’s enough to put us in a straight jacket. Maybe, just maybe, the words ‘okay then,’ really just mean ‘okay then’.

12 mistakes women make with men 3

Photo Credit

4. Not making them work for it
Don’t just give it to any Tom, Dick or Harry who comes along, make them work for it – make them earn what they want.

5. Making them work too hard
The opposite applies too. Push them too far off the edge and they just might stay there! I guess the key here is just to find the right balance (let me know when you’ve found it!)

6. Opening up too soon
This pretty much sends them running to the hills. No poems, no love letters, no confessions – just don’t do it.

7. Putting them up on a pedestal
No good can ever come of putting your man, lover or crush up on a pedestal.

8. Emasculating them
I’m all for girl power and the whole women rule the world jazz, but let’s be honest; men like to set the pace. Sometimes, leaving the ball in their court will show you whether or not he’s really interested.

12 mistakes women make with men 2

Photo Credit

9. Expecting them to change
Change comes from within so don’t hold your breath if you think he’s going to give up one of his ‘bad habits’ before he’s ready. We think they’re going to change and they think we won’t – what a beautiful world we live in!

10. Becoming someone else
Women who change themselves for men are only setting themselves out for disappointment. Especially since the truth always comes out in the end.

11. Being too available
Nobody wants an eager beaver; it’s never a good look either on a woman or a man for that matter.

12. Expecting too much
At this stage, I’ve realised that sometimes it’s better to just count the blessings that are already there than to complain about the things that aren’t!

So there you have it, 12 mistakes women make with men straight from the horses mouth ( I kid!) but I can’t say I’m not guilty here! Feel free to share any thoughts you might have down below 🙂

Twitter   Facebook   Instagram

Back to top
%d bloggers like this: