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Posted on October 1, 2019

Tinder VS Nurture: has online dating exposed human nature?

Dating

Throughout my years of attempting to navigate the bewildering world of modern romance, I’ve had many aversions towards online dating and widely used apps such as Tinder and Plenty of Fish.

Without delving straight into it or coming across as deeply judgmental, I will simply say that for the good part of the first few years Tinder surfaced into today’s dating world, I was under the impression that they were reserved for singletons who had a hard time managing to secure dates in real life – to be perfectly fair, I have no doubt in my mind that many of us shared a similar sentiment at one point or another.

It is not untrue that the growing popularity of Tinder and online dating has positively impacted the calendars of not only the socially awkward types who could never work up the courage to ask someone out on a date face-to-face. But also the calendars of individuals who simply do not have the time to meet a potential partner in ‘traditional’ ways.

Even with that in mind, I can’t help but wonder if the pros of helping those who might just have an overwhelming fear of facing rejection could possibly outweigh the cons of replacing the instant chemistry, emotional connection and sexual tension that could only be detected in the presence of a human being towards whom we have an attraction for.

I recently had an epiphany about modern relationships which made me question a lot of my views surrounding them. It came about because I recognised that I was gradually turning into a cynic about love, sex and relationships. As someone who has always had a very positive – and possibly even naive outlook – on everything that falls within the scope of love and dating (we were all Charlotte Yorks at some stage in life), I found it disheartening to see myself develop an attitude that is the antithesis of what I’ve always stood for.

This forced me to look deeper into common behaviours within modern dating and recurring patterns that I’ve been seen both in myself and the failed relationships of others. It made me question the dreadful future a lot of singletons of today and Tinder users may be heading towards.

It forced me to question whether the existence of Tinder and online dating and the increased accessibility we have to each other is a large part of the reason why men and women alike are less attracted to the idea of settling down and are instead moving more towards being sexually liberated about whom we explore our carnal desires with.

Did the burning desire to freely explore our sexual choices always exist within us and are dating apps simply revealing what we’ve always subconsciously wanted or can we hold online dating at all accountable for the fact that less and less millennials are getting married?

It’s a loaded question that has many layers, not only because there are other factors that need to be taken into consideration, but particularly because it brings in the conversation of monogamy and its biological implications. It suggests monogamy is simply a social construct that goes against human nature – an argument for which there is a lot of evidence, but a discussion for another day.

The topic at hand is the classic ‘egg or the chicken’ debate. Did the desire to be sexually free birth a large number of dating apps or did the large number of dating apps birth a generation in which the the average age of brides and grooms continue to rise?

Before we can attempt to look at this objectively, we need to look at the facts. The internet was only made widely accessible about three decades ago. In retrospect, that isn’t a very long time to fully understand or even attempt to grasp the full repercussions of having such an advanced technology be so readily available. One of the first popular dating sites came about nearly 25 years ago, and following the likes of Ashley Madison and Seeking Arrangement, it led to a lot of negative connotations.

To the contrary, the first marriage records date back to the 19th Century in Ireland and much earlier in the U.S. So how can we truly know the impact of online dating on the human psyche and the evolution of marriage? Thy say social media addiction activates the same areas of the brain as taking a class A drug, now that alone should be enough to startle us.

According to the Central Statistics Office, there were 20, 389 opposite sex marriages in Ireland in 2018, a drop from 21,262 recorded from the previous year. The average age of brides and grooms last year were 34.4 years and 36.4 years respectively.

Granted, there are a considerable number of reasons for this and I am in no way shape or form suggesting that online dating alone is the reason why the average age of grooms in opposite-sex marriage was at the highest to date last year. But it does make you question what role dating technology currently plays and the impact it will continue to have in coming years. After all, for those who do get hitched, one in four couples end up going their separate way.

Now that’s something to think about.

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Posted on April 23, 2019

Dating women in their 20s VS dating women in their 30s

Dating

Yes, you read that correctly and no, I haven’t started swimming in a new dating pool…

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I guess I should address the second burning question some of you might have: what brings such an intriguing debate to a blog that typically explores topics surrounding dating and relationships from the perspective of a black female from a small town on the Emerald Isle?

The answer is pretty simple.

In my days of interrogating men of varying backgrounds and interests (as you do) there was something startling about their views that I took notice of fairly quickly. The majority of men I would have had heated discussions with about the dynamics of male/female relationships all shared a common denominator: a staggering number of them had similar sentiments about dating women of a certain generation.

Years ago, this topic would have not peaked my interest in the slightest. But now that I am gradually moving into a new age bracket, I’ve naturally developed a growing curiosity towards it. But rather than discussing the development of my dating life throughout my twenties, I thought the best way to tackle this would be to get an honest opinion from someone whom I have often turned to for genuine dating advice.

Without further ado, here is an anonymous blog contribution from a 30-something year old Irish male who will share his thoughts on the matter 🙂

So I have been asked to write down some of my thoughts on dating and my observations on the scene. I myself am no shining example of a human but I would stick myself somewhere in the middle of that list.

On to the topic at hand, the first thing is finding a woman to date: do you do it old school and analogue or digital? Nowadays we are spoiled with options.Trying to get a date growing up was scary as hell but also fun. You could walk up to a girl and start talking, be polite or maybe a bit cheeky, whichever works and then ask for her number. You would try your best not to sweat, panic or mumble while she more than often was actually quite sound and understanding. Regardless of whether or not they were interested, they respected the effort.

Well that’s all in the past and as we all know digital communication has taken over everything, and now single again in my mid-thirties I was left with the challenge of getting to know this new form of interaction. Tinder seemed like the most logical starting point so I set about doing my research into how it works to get myself off on the right foot.

As most of you know …

The first option beyond which gender you would like to match with is age, which is exactly what is being discussed in this blog. So what are the differences between dating women of varying ages from the point of view of a 35-year-old man. After a number of dates with “women” (girls) in their mid-twenties I learned something awesome. I experienced something of what it would be like to be an old rich guy who got a divorce and now has his new trophy girlfriend. I was literally able to have map out holidays, redecorated the front room, plan out the next day in work all in my head while also keeping up with the conversation at hand. Needless to say, the idea of banter did not exist. For me this is a must.

The next age range was roughly 27 to 32. But I will skip this one for now and focus on 32 plus.

What can I say, sophisticated, witty, well-dressed are just some of the observations any man with a half an eye could make. The sad truth is that I noticed there was a desperation to the dates. Sometimes it came across as knowing what they want, but often I had the impression that they were like that guy in the night club at half two in the morning just trying to chat everyone up because he’s panicking at the idea of going home alone again. I get it, I have been to too many weddings over the last couple of years and they are like the bouncer of our lives telling us to drink up and go home, and most likely alone if it is that late.

I think these were the first generation of women who truly had close to the opportunities men had and along with this were also sold a lie.

Like everyone in the 80’s/90’s was sold the lie that if you got a degree you could do anything. Women of the same age were told they can have it all. Has anyone had it all? With the ever-increasing acceptance of social behaviours and career opportunities I think some of this generation thought they could simply focus on career and then pick up a man once they had achieved what they wanted. Now with the unfair situation of the ticking biological clock the pressure is on and how can a healthy relationship develop in this constraint while also trying to hold down a career and figure out a mortgage.

So (my favourite word and greatest indicator of my lack of intellect), to the remaining group…

I could focus on the positives of which there are many or I could focus on the negatives. But the truth of the matter is it is not the difference in age, it’s the difference in narrative that they were sold. I found this generation to be fully aware of the impossible challenge of having it all. They understood that finding an acceptable partner to try and make a life with is not a past time but a job in itself and every jobs require sacrifices. Unlike the generation before them they knew what they wanted and how to get it. Surely this is the narrative that should be sold, to men included, you cannot have it all but if you are lucky, work hard, choose wisely maybe you can get what is important to you.

Until next time,

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Posted on January 2, 2019

5 reasons I received a Google alert for my name in 2018

lifestyle

I never in a million years would have thought that my blogging achievements in twenty eighteen could ever amount to half of the accomplishments I had with Enhance What’s Yours in 2017. In fact, I spent the early days of twenty eighteen (excuse the overuse of this millenial slang), crippled with the anxiety that I may had set the bar too high for myself in the previous year.

I mean, when an open letter that took less than fifteen minutes to write makes international headlines, how could I possibly envision myself topping that? Hell if I know how, but I did! And when I reflect upon the year I had with my blog and the opportunities that I’ve been afforded through a brand for which I have taken many sacrifices, I can’t help but look back with a greater sense of gratitude.

The gratitude I feel towards the brand I’ve created far exceed any sentiments I felt towards my blog accomplishments in previous times. That’s not to disqualify any of my past achievements or to say that they are less significant. But it is mainly because I feel that the knowledge that I accrued in my second year of freelancing has helped me recognise that luck can only get you so far.

You also have to be willing to do what others won’t.

So without further ado, here are some of the main reasons why I received Google alerts for my name in 2018 🙂

1. My TV debut for ground-breaking Channel 4 series

As many of you know from the series of blogs I’ve published around this topic, I was part of the diverse cast for a two-part Channel 4 documentary called Genderquake. Filming for this ground-breaking series took in the beautiful city of Brighton in October 2017 and the show finally aired in May of 2018.

Genderquake explored gender and sexuality in today’s world by having ten strangers from all parts of the gender spectrum cohabitate for a full week and have spirited discussions about sexual identity, gender and everything in between!

Shortly after hitting the screens, Genderquake was nominated in the MIPCOM Diversify TV Excellence Awards for Representation of LGBTQ, Non-Scripted which is more than any of us could have asked for or anticipated!

Knowing that my voice was part of a show that incited so much public interest both online and in real life is a great source of pride for me, particularly because I was so apprehensive about taking part in the first place.

Looking back now, I am so proud of my contribution on the show – taking the edits out of the equation of course! I met some truly wonderful souls and beautiful people who challenged my ideologies in ways that continue to intrigue me till today.

Twitter was also pretty gentle with me which was more reassuring than I care to admit. I had people from all backgrounds jump to my defense and the reaction was overwhelmingly positive 🙂

If you haven’t seen Genderquake yet, be sure to catch up on Channel 4 here.

2. Live TV appearance on Genderquake: The Debate

Following the release of the two-part documentary, Channel 4 aired a live debate in which myself and a few of the other cast members were invited to attend. The debate was hosted by news presenter Cathy Newman and saw a number of famous faces on the panel such as Caitlyn Jenner, Munroe Bergdorf, Germaine Greer, Ayo Caeser and Sarah Ditum.

While I had already been on television at this point, it was all still very new to me. To say I was hyperventilating at the thought of being on live TV would be be a complete understatement. Thankfully, I managed to answer Cathy Newman’s questions about my experience of being on the show with as much grace and elegance as the merlot I consumed allowed for.

Once again, a very proud moment for my inner nerdy introvert. You can see my response in this Twitter thread here.

3. Brand Ambassador role for Huawei Mobile Ireland

While I did not receive a Google alert for this, I do think it is worth mentioning. I was given a brand ambassador role for Huawei Mobile Ireland which resulted in me creating exciting content and taking part in a sponsored campaign – not to mention getting a deadly new phone! 🙂

While I have done content placement and other sponsored content in the past, I had never been asked to work on a continuous campaign such as the one I did with Huawei Ireland. To put the cherry on top, the tweet I shared about the Story Sign app created by Huawei, performed incredibly well with an engagement rate of 3.9% and a reach of nearly 10k.

The media views I received in that one tweet even outperformed some of the ads shared by other influencers with twice or trice my Twitter following. I think all too often brands get fooled by influencers who appear to have a large following so knowing this gave me a completely new perspective on how to negotiate future collaborations with brands and it helped me see the value of my brand and what I have to offer.

4. Publication of first byline for thejournal.ie

This might not seem like such a big deal to some people. But for me it is everything.

Throughout my many years of navigating my way within the Irish blogging scene, I have always identified more as a writer than blogger: it’s the one thing I was always sure of. In my eyes, writing for an Irish news site is about more than just massaging my ego. In a weird sense, it validated my work as a writer.

I had never pitched an article before. But after my success, I hope to share more of my thoughts on dating, relationships and female sexuality to a wider audience in the future. Seeing my byline on thejournal.ie really gave me a high. Almost like runners high, but for writers – yes, I’m making it a thing!

If you have yet to read my article about making consent sexy – for the sake of both men and women, be sure to read it here.

5. Featured in iNews for viral open letter

Last but not least, I was recently featured in inews.co.uk where I was given the opportunity to share an honest account of how online trolling can affect a person’s well being. While I did write a blog post on how to deal with bad publicity, I had never really delved into the darker side of how I felt after the events that transpired online.

I finally mustered the courage to do exactly that in an interview with former HuffPost UK Editor, Poorna Bell for a feature in iNews. Much like many of my other endeavours and interviews, I was on the fence about this.But the award-winning journalist dealt with my story with great delicacy and care. Poorna was aware of the sensitivity of the topic during the whole interview process – even when she was trying to get to the core of what really happened.

I have so much respect for authentic journalists who strive to uncover accurate accounts of real life stories and I genuinely cannot thank Poorna enough for sharing mine in such a raw way.

To read my feature about the very real impact online trolling can have on a person’s well-being, click here.

A massive thank you to everyone who has been supporting me from day one! I wish each and every single one of you a sparkling New Year! I look forward to re-shaping my brand and blog for 2019 🙂

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Posted on October 30, 2018

4 Reasons To Get It On This Halloween

Dating

Halloween only comes once a year, but all of the sweets tend to last for weeks – unless of course you’re living in my household! But just because the annual holiday is largely driven towards kids, it doesn’t mean that adults can’t reap the benefits too!

Whether you’re in a committed relationship or a casual one, rolling in the hay has some benefits that can make your Halloween just as fun this year!

So without further ado,here are 4 ways you can take advantage of this opportunity to “spook up” your love life 🙂

1. Role Playing

Sexy costumes. They’re one of the biggest clichés surrounding Halloween. But role playing in the bedroom can add spice to your relationship and sex life. It’s a good idea any time of year, but what better occasion than Halloween? Maybe you have a cute couple’s costume. Perhaps you go into the party as a single Cinderella, only to come across a hot Prince Charming. Either way, getting a little creative can make for one unforgettable night.

2. Try some spooky positions

Take role play one step further by introducing new positions (and maybe some candy) into the bedroom. The idea of sleeping with another character may turn you on more than enough, but why not have some extra fun and try a Halloween themed position or two while you’re at it? Using Twizzlers for bondage is a kinky (and tasty) twist. If you’re dressed up as a character from True Blood, maybe try The Vampire’s Kiss? Word to the wise: if you’re gonna be sucking neck all night, make sure you’re cold sore-free.

3. Burn off those candy calories

Everyone indulges in a few sweets on Halloween, but we all know how sugary and chock full of calories our favorite treat may be. According to a study of Montreal couples, on average, sex burns 3.6 calories per minute. Unfortunately for ladies, men tend to burn more calories during each session, with an average of 101 calories, compared to just 69 for women. But if you incorporate candy into the bedroom, like previously suggested, you can kill two birds with one stone!

4. Eat more candy

Maybe you just had sex to burn off the calories from those peanut butter cups you ate. Even better yet, you can use sex as an excuse to eat more candy than you normally would! Use the helpful chart below to figure out just how many Snickers you can eat. For some of the higher calorie treats, try incorporating more foreplay into your routine in order to burn some extra calories.

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Posted on January 31, 2017

#Vlog: My most EMBARRASSING first date moment!!!

vlog/ youtube

If you follow my antics on social media, then it’s no news to you when I say that I’ve finally decided to take the plunge with YouTube and start my own channel!

Starting my own YouTube is something I’ve been thinking about doing for the longest of time, but I’ve just never found it in me to just…..start.

Well here I am. Finally ignoring that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I wasn’t not good enough! I really hope you enjoy this story. It’s about that time I made a complete show of myself on a first date (as you do!)

So sit back, relax and get ready to judge me 🙂

If you don’t want to miss any of my next videos, then be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel @FilomenaKaguako 🙂

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Posted on September 5, 2016

10 things nobody tells you about online dating

men/ Uncovered

Dating. I’ve never really been a fan of the term. Not only do I think it’s very American, but the word itself makes me incredibly awkward. Whenever I hear the word date, I automatically picture two strangers sitting in close proximity to one another in an often controlled environment: uncomfortable body language, pecking at food instead of wolfing it down, planned topics of conversation to fill the silence…. nobody is ever truly themselves, and to be quite frank, I wouldn’t expect it to be any different either.

After all, when you’re meeting someone for the first time, especially after a few weeks of texting (and possible virtual stalking), it’s only natural to have certain expectations of them – as they’d likely have for you. So making a good first impression is an unsurprising goal for most. Everyone is simply trying to be the best version of themselves – which in retrospect, isn’t exactly something to fault them for.

As a recent blog post would suggest, I jumped onto the online dating game rather late. The now deleted dating app, Plenty of Fish, gave me a countless amount of giggles. While it was fun for the most part, it did teach me things that I would never have known had I decided against exploring this contemporary dating wave . They are the raw truths about the dating world which most people would be inclined to leave out:

1. It’s bloody exhausting!

From praying you remember the details of your conversations to hoping you don’t confuse his occupation for someone else’s, dating really can be mentally draining. It’s one thing to be mentally exhausted from texting two or three POF lads at a time, but it’s a whole different level of exhaustion when you thought you had something special going with someone, only for things to fizzle out after a few weeks – then you have to start all over again.

2. You might gain a few

Nobody wants to be that annoying gym head who orders a caesar salad with no caesar dressing on a first date. So naturally, you’re going to bend your diet rules a little bit. Extra side dressing here, a creamy dessert there and before you know it, you’ve piled on a few around the waist – not a fun predicament!

3. It can be time consuming

Instead of spending your time productively and doing valuable things such as reading (a book, not a FB status), you may find yourself randomly scrolling through messages or swiping left and right during a commute. You may become so engulfed in the online dating world that waking up to Facebook newsfeed becomes a thing of the past because the thought of waking up to Tinder sounds more appealing.

4. The ‘spark’ tends to fizzle out

You see someone you like. You match with them. You talk for a bit. Meet up. Continue talking, but a lot less this time. You forget about each other. You see someone else you like. You match with them. Talk for a bit. Meet up once. Continue talking, but a lot less this time…. see where I’m going with this? It is frightening how typical it is for things to fizzle out. Nobody ends it, nobody’s feelings get hurt. It just dies. Evaporates. Into thin air.

5. You’re not the only one who has his attention

This may sound like a no brainer to some, but if you get easily attached to someone you like then a reminder is needed. It’s quite likely that you’re not the only one talking to this person. Try not to put all your eggs into one basket, you’ll only find yourself disappointed.

6. There are a lot of broken hearts out there

You don’t realise how much baggage others carry until you actually talk to them. You’d be surprised by how many people have gone through similar experiences as you (if not worse). It might make them a bit more guarded and more closed so I guess you have to be patient.

7. It can promote the idea that people are disposable

This whole swiping business on Tinder can instill the mindset that people are disposable. Considering how easy it is to organise a ‘date’ with someone, you might find that some people put very little effort into it because they know they can always find someone else just around the corner.

8. You don’t know anyone’s true intentions

He can say he wants to date you, he might even wine and dine you for a while. But how can you be sure that you won’t get kicked to the kerb after he gets what he wants? You don’t. Unless you have some sort of superpowers, you won’t always know. You’re taking a leap of faith with the whole thing. The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

9. You can build friendships from it

Sometimes a romantic relationship isn’t the only thing to flourish from a Tinder or POF date. You might meet someone amazing and after a while, realise they would make a better friend than a partner. Everlasting friendships may come from ‘dating’ apps as well, and that can be a good thing.

10. You get to know what you want

Putting yourself out there to meet new people and going on random dates does have its perks (and I’m not talking about the free meals here) an even bigger benefit has to do with self growth: you get to know what you want. Be it romantically or platonically, it helps you discover what you like and what you don’t like. Sometimes, you might even surprise yourself to find that what you thought you always wanted isn’t what you need.

WHAT YOU THINK YOU WANT ISN’T ALWAYS WHAT YOU THINK IT IS

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Tinder VS Nurture: has online dating exposed human nature?

Did the burning desire to freely explore our sexual choices always exist within us and are dating apps simply revealing what we’ve always subconsciously wanted or can we hold online dating at all accountable for the fact that less and less millennials are getting married?

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