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Posted on May 10, 2017

Dear Irishmen, please stop sexualising us

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Dear Irishmen,

There’s more to us than our colour.

There’s more to us than our looks.

There’s more to us than the body that you have unjustly exotified because you refuse to look at what we can offer you intellectually.

We have depth. We have character. We have value.

So please stop sexualising us.

When you sexualise us you don’t make us feel beautiful. You don’t make us feel special. You don’t make us feel unique. You make us feel like an object that you will eventually get bored of and toss out after having derived maximum pleasure from us.

Stop sexualising us.

Because when you sexualise us you are merely reminding us that you don’t actually see us. You do not see us for what or who we are. You see nothing more than a physical aspect of us. You see a carnel desire and someone with whom you want to explore your insatiable black girl fetish.

Stop sexualising us.

Because when you sexualise us we can’t help but wonder how much longer you’ll stick around after you get tired of the pigment of our skin.

Stop sexualising us.

Because when you sexualise us you are damaging our spirit. Tearing up our soul. You are instilling an insecurity in us about something that we should be proud of.

Stop sexualising us.

Because when you sexualise us you’re telling us that we will never amount to anything more than a checklist, a conquest, a tool.

It is degrading. It is diminishing. It is devaluing.

So why do you continue to sexualise us?

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I am not a commodity.

I am not a car for you to test drive one day because you’ve come to the realisation that you’ve yet to try a black one.

I wasn’t brought to this world to explore your sexual curiosity and I do not exist to fulfil your sexual needs.

Dear Irishman, the next time you set your green eyes on me, remember this:

There’s more to me than my colour.

There’s more to me than my looks.

There’s more to me than the body that you have unjustly exotified because you refuse to look at what I can offer you intellectually.

I have depth. I have character. I have value, so please stop sexualising me.

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Posted on March 28, 2017

50 shades of kinky vs 50 shades of gay: the results are in!!!

Uncovered

pegging meme

About a week ago, I made my second appearance on the Chris & Ciara show. In preparation for the segment, I bombarded my Facebook friends with a survey that I created called 50 shades of kinky VS fifty shades of gay.

Disclaimer: less judging and more reading please? Thank you!

The survey was inspired by my most recent YouTube video at the time, where I spoke about a conversation I had with a good friend of mine about pegging and whether we thought it was a homosexual act or not.

pegging deff

I questioned young men and women between the ages of 18 – 34 hoping to get the general consensus on whether or not a woman penetrating a man anally using a strap-on was deemed a homosexual act.

I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise to some of you that there was a handful of people who wanted zero part of it! They were under the impression that strap-on wearing was a hobby and they’ve now labelled me as a pegging fiend – quite the achievement for someone who’s never owned a toy!

But for those who did partake – thank you!  I got some amount of giggles out of it. Your answers were short, honest and to the point!

So without further ado, here are the final results… it’s time to let the people speak! :)

Q. 1 What is your gender?

  • 72% Female
  • 28% Male

Q.2 What is your age?

  • 25% between 18 – 24
  • 64% between 25 – 34
  • 11% between 35 – 44

Q.3 What is your sexual orientation?

  • 88% Heterosexual
  • 2% Homosexual
  • 9% Bisexual
  • 1% Other

Q. 4 Please describe your race

  • 25% Black
  • 70% White
  • 5% Other

Q.5 In your opinion have erotic practices and role play become more mainstream since the launch of 50 Shades of Grey?

  • 43% Yes
  • 22% No
  • 35% Not Sure

Q. 6 Would you consider engaging in erotic sexual activity such as the use of sex toys in the bedroom?

  •  70% Yes
  •  2% No
  •  26% Maybe
  • 2% Never

Q. 7 “If a straight man wants a strap-on to be used on him, he is a closeted gay or has homosexual tendencies?” True/False?

  •  45% True
  •  55% False

Q. 8 “If a straight woman uses a strap on dildo on a man she is a closeted gay or has homosexual tendencies?” True/False?

  • 18% True
  • 82% False

Q. 9 What are your thoughts on women using a strap-on dildo on a straight man?

In one word it’s dominating

Emasculating

It’s just wrong!

And on the flip side…..

Nothing wrong with it if both parties are consenting

If he likes it each to their own, although it would make me question him a little

I’d try anything once. No harm if he’s keen for it. Why not give it a shot. Would be fund to see what it feels like to be the one with a penis for once too

I wouldn’t assume he was gay. But I would bring the question up just in case. I don’t view men that enjoy anal penetration as gay, I just think it’s a sexual act they enjoy!

As these answers (along with the others) would suggest, the participants were divided in their opinion.

However, when asked whether a straight man who wanted a strap-on to be used on him was a closeted gay or had homosexual tendencies, 55% said no – more than half of the people who took this survey did not consider pegging a homosexual act!

Have we as a society become more progressive in our views regarding sexuality, or would the survey have generated different results had more men taken part?

Afterall, 72% who took this survey were female and only 28% were male…..I guess that’s something to think about!

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Hope you enjoyed this post and don’t forget to watch my YouTube video on this topic! For those of you who missed the segment on Chris & Ciara (Tuesday 21st March), you should be able to find it on the RTE Radio Player!

Happy pegging guys and gals! :)

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Posted on February 15, 2017

RTÉ’s 2FM presenters Chris and Ciara on the 5 things Irish guys should never say to black girls on Tinder

Uncovered

chris and ciara

Photo Credit

I think it’s safe to say that yesterday was by far one of the best Valentine’s Day I’ve had in a very long time. Without getting into the details of what I did during the day *wink* *wink* last night in particular, I truly did step outside of my comfort zone – I had my first threesome.

DISCLAIMER: please get your mind out of the gutter!!!

Because by threesome, I mean I made a guest appearance on the Chris and Ciara show. Myself and RTÉ’s incredible duo spoke all things Tinder, stereotypes, fetishism and….. there may have been a few mentions of rosey nipples!

I gave them the low-down of some of the things that I think Irish guys should never say to black girls on Tinder!

It’s only after dawning on me that I find black girls attractive and I’d love to have a baby with a black girl

You think that’s bad? Believe you me, it gets worse!

If you missed last night’s segment, then worry not because you can still find it online or by downloading the RTÉ radio player. I’m not on until 1h15 but I would recommend listening to the whole show as it is an Anti-Valentine’s Day theme so it’s full of banter you likely wouldn’t find anywhere else!

rte 1rte 11

And for those of you who did tune in and send me messages and tweets, I can’t thank you enough! I had a fantastic time on the show. If I could do it again, I would! Although I may have slightly hyperventilated after it. But hey, I lived to tell the tale, didn’t I!? :)

I hope you have an amazing week and do keep an eye on my new YouTube channel as I plan to talk about some of the funny stereotypes I got during my year of celibacy – gotta love the stereotypes! ;)

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Chris and Ciara is on weekdays Sunday – Thurs on 2fm from 10PM – midnight

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Posted on November 29, 2016

Walk of shame or stride of pride? how these 10 men define the word ‘slut’

Uncovered

slut-shaming

SLUT. WHORE. TRAMP. SLAG.

These are cheap digs women have used to tear each other down, often in an attempt to make themselves feel more valuable. These are words that boys have unfairly labelled girls after being rejected by a pursued love interest. The insult ‘slut’ and other variations of its kind, is quite possibly one the lowest forms of degradation for a woman – and not so much for a man. But why is that?

That is because men have always embraced going out on the pull and having as many one night stands as they please with little judgement. It has always been a badge of honour for a man to say he has scored a high number of sexual partners. While there has been significant progess in the feminist movement, the question as to whether or not women can do the same will always be up for debate.

Some would argue that women are not biologically built to have multiple sexual partner because of the emotional attachment that comes with sharing such an intimate moment with someone. Personally, I’ve always believed in consistent sex with one partner, so monogamy is a topic I will be touching on another time. But today, I want to dig deep into something I’ve been trying to define for a very long time now: What makes someone a slut? how exactly can does one define what or who a slut is?

slut-shaming-3

I am obsessed with this subject matter. I am both baffled and fascinated by how such a broad term has evolved to something that demeans women for being their sexual selves. What is equallying intriguing is how acceptable it is for women to playfully call each other sluts, yet when a man uses it in the same playful tone, he becomes the mysoginist.

I’ll be the first to admit the the word ‘hoe’ is a regular part of my vocabulary. It is not something I am proud of and I should probably work on it. But it is a word that myself and my close friends would often use to tease each other about our sexual adventures. We use the word so regularly and with so little thought that we have forgotten the connotations that come with the word.

So once again, I ask: what is a slut? Is a slut someone who doesn’t believe in sexual limitations? Is it someone who dresses provocatively?  Is it even about promiscuity at all? What is it and what constitutes of ‘slutty’ behaviour?

I’ve asked men of different ages and backgrounds to define the word ‘slut’ in their own words, these are some of their answers:

Someone who sleeps with anyone and everyone –  anonymous male age 31

A guy or girl who has sex with lots of randomers without protection is pretty slutty. Turns sex into something disposable – anonymous male age 27

People who are only attracted to people because of money, status and looks – anonymous male, age 27

Someone having sex often to boost her disastrously low self-esteem – anonymous male, age 34

A girl who has about three or four lads on the go every week – anonymous male, age 28

slut-shaming-2

And then we have some liberals….

I’ve never really thought of it. I don’t ever consider people to be sluts, I guess if someone were to sleep with your friend, then that’s a slut – anonymous male, age 28

I’ve never considered a girl or woman to be a slut. A slut is someone who is usually misjudged, having been extra indulgent in sex as a means of satisfying or reaching a misplaced search within. To be a slut takes a kind of courage, but also it lacks another form on courage masks are mostly worn. Take ‘em off & you’ll realise everyone is a slut of some type. Sexual sluts, money sluts, control sluts, power sluts, food sluts, attention sluts – anonymous male, age 28

No such thing as a slut. Just unenlightened people – anonymous male, age 32

Everyone is free to sleep around. I don’t judge people who sleep around, but I do judge them if they do it in a wreckless manner like not being safe and not getting tested regularly because if they’re being promiscuous and have irregular partners then that is essentially spreading diseases – anonymous male, age 29

I don’t really consider anyone a slut, I’m all in favour of promiscuous behaviour – anonymous male,age 31

slut-shaming-4

Judging by the mixed responses here, it is fair to say that we have become more progressive as a society when it comes to female sexuality. I for one can hold my hand up to say that my perception of the word slut has changed with both time and age.

For years I’ve always believed that a slut is a woman who pursues a taken man. A woman who goes back and forth between sexual partners. A woman who constantly cheats on her man with little or no remorse. That is how I’ve always defined what I thought a ‘whore’ was.

But now, I think it goes a lot deeper than someone with loose morals. I think using the word in a way to offend or define someone is a skewed and small minded way of looking at things. Unless you use the word to describe a sex worker who gets paid to perform sexual activities, then the concept of “slut” isn’t real.

In my opinion, we will never come to a global agreement as to what or who a slut, a tramp or a whore actually is. There is no universal definition for it and the subjectivity of the word proves it doesn’t exist.

I may not be a slut by my definition, but I could easily be one to someone else. The bottom line is, we’re all sluts to someone out there! Happy hoeing gals! :)

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Posted on September 28, 2016

10 #SingleGirlProblems

Uncovered

single-girl-problems-cover

I would consider myself to be quite a self-reliant person. On my days off work, I’d be pretty content with simply going to the gym for a few hours, doing a bit of writing, meal prepping for the week ahead…. I’ve never really been the type to derive happiness from always being around others. I maintain the majority of my friendships through endless voice noting, which suits me fine. It’s not that I don’t like being around others, I just really enjoy my own company – so much so that my brothers have nicknamed me Anne Frank! So as you’ve probably gathered, the single life is something I’ve pretty much allowed myself to become accustomed to.

But like everything in life, being perpetually single has its disadvantages.  There are times when the idea of having a ‘bae’ again doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world. Like that time when I needed a new phone, I instantly thought ‘having a boyfriend would come in handy right about now,’ or all the times when I’ve had to cover the lunch bill by myself thinking ‘if I had a boyfriend, we’d be going Dutch on this’ – clearly, having a boyfriend can be an investment in more ways than just one!

But all jokes aside, I have to admit that I’ve occasionally wondered how different my life would be if I had a significant other to share it with.  Let’s face it, modern day dating is a psychological war field (Tinder has us ruined) and it can leave hopeful singletons with many wounds – some deeper than others.

So I’ve compiled a list of #singlegirlproblems that us lonesome gals are forced to live with on an almost day-to-day basis – because the couples goals account on Instagram isn’t a fat enough reminder of singleness *eye roll emoji*

1. F**kboys

single-girl-problems-2

A f**kboy (n) is someone who you simply can’t take seriously. They’re timewasters, dead weights, life-sucking creatures. Dealing with f**kboys before settling down is almost a rite of passage nowadays. Continuously having to weed them out and falling into their f**kery trap time after time, only to realise that they’re a dime a dozen.

2. Weekends

While are your friends are off playing happy families with their other half, you’re too busy playing back-to-back episodes of the latest murder documentary. Of course if you had a boyfriend you’d be having sex on a Friday night instead, but you don’t so you’ll just have to settle for binging on Making a Murderer – ah well, you could be watching worse things!

3. Cold nights

With the cold slowly creeping in on us, the hunt for a Winter bae is at a peak. The closer it gets to Winter, the more you find yourself scrolling through your friend zone list to see who could make a potential faux-beau. I don’t blame you, it is a sad affair to not have a warm body to accompany you under the duvet in mid-November – go hard or go home right?

4. Lonely nights

It’s one thing to have the chills under the duvet, but to be horny on top of that is just the peak of the iceberg. Maybe it’s time to invest in Winter toys. Lots and lots of pretty toys.

5. Post shave feels

That feeling you get after shaving. You’re smooth, you feel sexy, you want to….. oh no wait, you can’t do that, you’re single!

6. Sneaky set ups

‘John is looking very well isn’t he?’ Nudge nudge, wink wink, hint hint. You guessed it, well-meaning friends who often think of you as a charity case! Well on behalf of all single gals across the globe, I would like to say that John looks exactly as he did last week and he will most likely look the same next week. We don’t need your help and we can live without your pity. Thanks, but no thanks.

7. You and a ‘plus one’

You really feel the sting of being single when you get an invite that says ‘you and your guest’ or see a Facebook post that says ‘tag who you would bring’ to this romantic restaurant….. I desperately need an eye roll emoji for these blog posts!

8. The million-dollar question

If it’s not the pity look, it’s ‘what you single for? You can have anyone, shur you’re unreal looking’ or something along those lines… as if my looks has anything to do with why I occasionally battle with Single Girl Syndrome. Maybe, just maybe I haven’t come across someone I like enough to make me want to change my selfish ways, ever think about that Susan?

9. The mistletoe

If you didn’t feel the urge to single Justin Bieber’s ‘under the misteltoe’ after that, then you’re doing this whole single life thing entirely wrong! Not having a holiday beau means more than missing out on an extra Christmas gift. It also means saying goodbye to a kiss under the mistletoe.

10. The big countdown

single-girl-problems-4

That dreaded moment before the final countdown to the New Year. Everyone is coupled off, ready for their kiss and with only a few minutes before midnight, you have to choose between finding someone yourself so you don’t look like a loser or remaining that strong independent woman that you were always meant to be. If you choose the latter, then I will see you at the bar! I say kudos to us for not conforming to society’s way of living. In the words of Robyn ‘I’m not the girl you’re taking home, I keep dancing on my own……’

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Posted on September 5, 2016

10 things nobody tells you about dating

men/ Uncovered

dating first date

Dating. I’ve never really been a fan of the term. Not only do I think it’s very American, but the word itself makes me incredibly awkward. Whenever I hear the word date, I automatically picture two strangers sitting in close proximity to one another in an often controlled environment: uncomfortable body language, pecking at food instead of wolfing it down, planned topics of conversation to fill the silence…. nobody is ever truly themselves, and to be quite frank, I wouldn’t expect it to be any different either.

After all, when you’re meeting someone for the first time, especially after a few weeks of texting (and possible virtual stalking), it’s only natural to have certain expectations of them – as they’d likely have for you. So making a good first impression is an unsurprising goal for most. Everyone is simply trying to be the best version of themselves – which in retrospect, isn’t exactly something to fault them for.

As a recent blog post would suggest, I jumped onto the online dating game rather late. The now deleted dating app, Plenty of Fish, gave me a countless amount of giggles. While it was fun for the most part, it did teach me things that I would never have known had I decided against exploring this contemporary dating wave . They are the raw truths about the dating world which most people would be inclined to leave out:

1. It’s bloody exhausting!

From praying you remember the details of your conversations to hoping you don’t confuse his occupation for someone else’s, dating really can be mentally draining. It’s one thing to be mentally exhausted from texting two or three POF lads at a time, but it’s a whole different level of exhaustion when you thought you had something special going with someone, only for things to fizzle out after a few weeks – then you have to start all over again.

DATING TIRED

2. You might gain a few

Nobody wants to be that annoying gym head who orders a caesar salad with no caesar dressing on a first date. So naturally, you’re going to bend your diet rules a little bit. Extra side dressing here, a creamy dessert there and before you know it, you’ve piled on a few around the waist – not a fun predicament!

3. It can be time consuming

Instead of spending your time productively and doing valuable things such as reading (a book, not a FB status), you may find yourself randomly scrolling through messages or swiping left and right during a commute. You may become so engulfed in the online dating world that waking up to Facebook newsfeed becomes a thing of the past because the thought of waking up to Tinder sounds more appealing.

4. The ‘spark’ tends to fizzle out

You see someone you like. You match with them. You talk for a bit. Meet up. Continue talking, but a lot less this time. You forget about each other. You see someone else you like. You match with them. Talk for a bit. Meet up once. Continue talking, but a lot less this time…. see where I’m going with this? It is frightening how typical it is for things to fizzle out. Nobody ends it, nobody’s feelings get hurt. It just dies. Evaporates. Into thin air.

dating disposable

5. You’re not the only one who has his attention

This may sound like a no brainer to some, but if you get easily attached to someone you like then a reminder is needed. It’s quite likely that you’re not the only one talking to this person. Try not to put all your eggs into one basket, you’ll only find yourself disappointed.

6. There are a lot of broken hearts out there

You don’t realise how much baggage others carry until you actually talk to them. You’d be surprised by how many people have gone through similar experiences as you (if not worse). It might make them a bit more guarded and more closed so I guess you have to be patient.

7. It can promote the idea that people are disposable

 This whole swiping business on Tinder can instill the mindset that people are disposable. Considering how easy it is to organise a ‘date’ with someone, you might find that some people put very little effort into it because they know they can always find someone else just around the corner.

dating swiping on Tinder

8. You don’t know anyone’s true intentions

He can say he wants to date you, he might even wine and dine you for a while. But how can you be sure that you won’t get kicked to the kerb after he gets what he wants? You don’t. Unless you have some sort of superpowers, you won’t always know. You’re taking a leap of faith with the whole thing. The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

9. You can build friendships from it

Sometimes a romantic relationship isn’t the only thing to flourish from a Tinder or POF date. You might meet someone amazing and after a while, realise they would make a better friend than a partner. Everlasting friendships may come from ‘dating’ apps as well, and that can be a good thing.

10. You get to know what you want

Putting yourself out there to meet new people and going on random dates does have its perks (and I’m not talking about the free meals here) an even bigger benefit has to do with self growth: you get to know what you want. Be it romantically or platonically, it helps you discover what you like and what you don’t like. Sometimes, you might even surprise yourself to find that what you thought you always wanted isn’t what you need.

WHAT YOU THINK YOU WANT ISN’T ALWAYS WHAT YOU THINK IT IS

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12 things I’d tell my 20-year-old self

Uncovered
memory

Facebook TimeHop enlightened me on many things…

At 20, I thought I was indispensable. I whole-heartedly believed that if anyone spent enough time with me that they would eventually want to be like me. I was convinced that if I were anybody else, I’d be my own best friend. I would marry myself if I were a man. These were the thoughts that ran through my mind on a day-to-day basis.  My grandiose sense of self importance had me under the impression that I couldn’t possibly be wrong either– and judging by that obnoxious status above, my guess is you’re not the slightest bit surprised.

It wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that I was living in denial for most of my young adult years. I had little to no life experience meaning I was inherently unequipped to deal with the majority of life’s problems. Which is what worries me the most about why I thought I was God’s gift to the universe *bookmarks topic for next blog post*

However, even with my know-it-all attitude back in the day, there is very little I would change about being twenty. If I could go back and do it all again, I wouldn’t change a thing. From being a jobless party animal throughout that summer (I still don’t know how I managed it) to horsing down an éclair au chocolat nearly every day for the year I lived in France (and still no booty gains) – I spent some of my best moments in life as a twenty-year-old.

So this in not me looking back and wishing I had done things differently. This is simply me recognising my 20-year-old self for the naive and in some cases delusional person that she was. If I had the chance to go back and shake some sense into her, this is what I’d say:

1. Get over yourself, nobody is trying to be you.

twenty 1

2. There are more valuable things in life to pride yourself on than being able to cut people off .

twenty 2

3. You’ll soon learn how to apply concealer….. and use a filer. You’ll probably catfish everyone you meet in the process, but that’s okay, you’re amazing remember?

twenty 33

4. Grey’s Anatomy is not real. 

twenty 5

5. Not every situation requires you to strike a pose. 

twenty 6

6. Blocking people is petty. Archive them instead,it’s less childish.

twenty 10

7. You’re spending an awful lot of time trying to decode a five word text message. 

twenty 117

8. Stop crying over d*** that doesn’t want you.

twenty 14

9. He’ll be back.

twenty 12 

10. Not every man is your daddy. Lower your expectations, it’ll spare you a lot of heartache.

twenty 9

11. Learn to accept people at face value.

twenty 7

12. You’re going to lose friends along the way, even the ones you think you can’t live without, you’ll be okay. 

twenty 8

And finally, the golden words I’d tell myself then, now and quite possibly every day for the rest of my life: It’ll all be GRAND!!!

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Posted on July 28, 2016

5 ways you’re self-sabotaging

Uncovered

self sabotage

We’ve all been victims of self-sabotage. We may not identify it as such immediately, but self-sabotaging behaviour is something I’ve witnessed in myself  as well as those around me. As you probably know, the first step to resolving any sort of problem is to be aware of what the issue is and to admit you have one.

So without further ado, here are five possible ways you’re self-sabotaging:

1. Comparing yourself to others

Comparing yourself to others, or more specifically, to people who you think are ‘better’ than you is quite possibly one of the biggest forms of self-destruction.  Not only can it induce feelings of unworthiness, but it can also prevent you from moving forward with your life. What you probably don’t realise is that when you compare yourself to someone else, you’re only looking at a fraction of their life. You have no idea what that person had to endeavour in order to get to where they are and you probably never will because more often than not, people will only publicise what they want you to see. They might be better off, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re better than you.

self sabotage 1

2. Comparing others to people in the past

So we’ve established that comparing yourself to others can be destructive, but what about comparing others to people who have hurt you in the past? From my experience, I think this sort of comparison can equally damaging. Don’t get me wrong, I know it is natural to be a little weary of others when you have a record of being back stabbed (once bitten, twice shy), but that doesn’t make it okay to paint everyone with the same brush. There are good eggs and bad eggs, it’s just the nature of this thing we call life. In the same way you will likely cross paths with more back stabbers, you will also meet some big hearts too. Pushing people away and questioning people’s motives will only prevent your heart from opening up to the possibility of loving others and allowing them to love you back. Not everyone is trying to hurt you.

self sabotage 22

3. Forgetting how to forgive

Humans are flawed. Every single living person in this world is flawed. Some of our flaws are more obvious than others, but the bottom line is that we are all flawed which means we’re bound to make mistakes. You are just as likely to make a mistake as the person next to you. That’s not to say that you should wait for people to screw you over, but instead, don’t take it so personally when they do. You will meet people in all walks of life who will do you wrong and forgiveness is something that needs to be practiced not only for them, but also for your own peace of mind.  We have to learn to forgive because there will be a time when you’ll require someone else’s forgiveness too.

self sabotage 33

 

4. Analysing everything to death

If you’re looking for a sure way to kill your happiness then this is one of them. Over-thinking and over-analysing often creates problems that were never there to begin with. Not only is it incredibly time consuming but it also takes the joy out of things that should just be fun. Enjoy the moment, nothing good can ever come out of dissecting everything to death.

self sabotage 4

5. Feeding your emotions instead of facing them

When you use food as a coping mechanism for your problems, it had an impact on both your physical health and your mental well-being. The fat-saturated and overly sweet comfort food might make you feel good at the start. But overtime, you will probably find yourself feeling a lot worse than before.  If you find yourself turning to food instead of dealing with your issues, then it’s time to re-evaluate things. Instead of hiding behind a tub of ice cream, sit down and have a word with yourself or even talk to a trusted friend. You need to learn to face your problems without food. Try exercising, meditation, writing or anything creative. The more co-dependent you are on food, the harder it will be to deal with problems without it.  

self sabotage 5

These are only fives ways of how you can self-sabotage. It may not seem like a lot, but its’s enough to know that the self-sabotaging behaviour needs to stop. Whenever I find myself self-sabotaging and creating issues that aren’t there, my logical mind reminds me to look at the facts and to focus on the positives. At the end of the day, a negative attitude will never get you a positive life, it all starts in your mind. Once you cleanse that, you will begin to project positive energy and positive things will start to happen!

Hope you all have a happy Thursday :)

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Posted on June 23, 2016

Uncovered: the exception VS the rule

Uncovered

he's just not that into you

He’s Just Not That Into You has always ranked  quite highly on my list of favourite romantic comedies. If I were super religious, I’d treat it as the Holy Bible. I’d recite every single word said by Justin Long’s character (I’ll get into that later) and follow his most valuable advice to bag the man of my dreams.  But because I’m neither religious nor with the ‘perfect’ man, I tend to re-watch it whenever I feel the need to be brought back to reality so that I can ponder on whether or not I am the rule or the exception in modern age dating.

Since it can be near impossible to come to any conclusion of such matters without some advice from those around you, I usually find myself asking my trusted friends and family for their opinion.  Although I don’t always agree with what they say at the start  (when do we ever?) there is something that I was once told which has had an everlasting impression on me.

I was once told that I was raised through Disney, and how Princess Elsa is my alter ego. Initially I found these remarks rather amusing. However, the more I think about it and continue to live my life in the way that I do, the more I’ve started seeing some truth in these seemingly ridiculous comments.

princess complex

I’ve spent my whole life thinking I am an exception. And by exception, I mean extraordinarily special. Of course, I am special, aren’t we all? But just not always as special as our egos would have us believe.  Not always as ‘special’ as the girl who has a one night stand and then ends up in a long term relationship with the person. Not always as ‘special’ as the couple who were each other’s firsts and lasts. These are classic examples of what being ‘special,’ or should I say, ‘the exception,’ really is. They call it the exception because they are uncommon situations. They are outliers in a world where dating apps such as Tinder and POF promote the idea that people are dispensable.

In the film, He’s Just Not That Into You, Justin Long’s character (Alex), has a theory for the rule and the exception. The rule: the predicaments that the majority of people in the dating pool find themselves in. The exception: the not-so-common situation.I like most people, have often been the rule. I’ve dated men who have ‘hit and quit,’ I’ve impatiently waited for a text that never came through and so on and so forth. In these instances, I wasn’t the exception, I was the rule. And if you’re anything like me, then that can be a hard pill to swallow. It’s never an easy fact to accept being the rule when you’ve spent your whole entire life thinking otherwise.

Now although I agree with the foundation on which this theory is based and despite being ‘the rule’ for a good chunk of my dating life. I have to say, I still think it is a tad bit flawed as a theory.

exception

To me, the word ‘either’ is quite limiting. It implies that you can only be one of the two. But judging from the people around me and those who went from ‘being the rule,’ to being the outlier, I’ve come up with my own little theory for single women struggling to find out how ‘special’ they really are: you can be the rule and the exception: it just depends on the man.

I think that women who have spent a large portion of their dating life being the rule, simply haven’t met the man to make them the  exception. As the saying goes, ‘one day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked with anyone else.’

All hope is not lost, and no matter what happens, it never should be because in hindsight, you’re an exception. You’re an exception in a world full of men who are making you believe you’re the rule.

Never forget that princess :)

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Posted on April 2, 2016

Uncovered: Body count matters

Uncovered

body count

There are a few ways I could have written this article. The first, would have been to touch the topic on the surface and conclude that people who worry about body count (the number of sexual partners a person has) are usually from a narrow-minded culture who don’t see women and men as equal and think that a woman should never sleep with more men than she can count on both hands.  Either that or I could have just started with ‘Hi my name is Filomena and my body count is XXXX’ – throw in a few extra X’s for the shock factor  – and then just patiently waited for people who have absolutely no right to comment on how I live my life to pass judgment and make unnecessary remarks.

But see this is the thing, do we as humans ever have the right to define or police a person’s sexuality? No, we don’t, but we do it anyways. We have been brought up in a world where women in particular are deemed to be sluts if they have a high number of sexual partners.  She loses her value as a woman, she is no longer desirable or worthy of love because of course, the number of men she’s given her body to is a reflection of how much respect she has for herself.

But why is it always women? Why do women always get the short end of the stick? I can’t think of a single male who would ever be concerned about his body count. Heck, most of them don’t even know what theirs is! But God forbid a woman ever loses track of how many men she’s slept with – it is the crime of all crimes. You’re a woman. You’re supposed to know how many people you’ve had sex with. You’re supposed to keep your number low because like cars, your value decreases the more you’ve been ‘used.’

What saddens me the most is that certain cultures actually promote men to have multiple mates. They entitle it. And to me, this is where the whole body count craze becomes a gender thing.  They endorse the idea of men having several partners. In fact,men are praised for it because there is nothing degrading or belittling about having more than one partner if you have the ‘privilege’ of being a man. And it is usually the same people who worship men for their promiscuity that regard women with a high body count as whores.

master key

This brings me to another issue.

What exactly is a high body count? What I consider as high is very different to what you may regard as high. The notion ‘high body count’ varies from person to person. There is no global agreement as to what constitutes as a high body count number, so why do some of us hold it with so much significance?

I have a group of female friends who hold body count with remarkably high regard. Who believe that exceeding a certain number of sexual partners is something to be ashamed of.  This way of thinking made me raise all sorts of questions. For starters, is it just an African thing? Have we been conditioned to believe that as women of African descent, we should remain as pure as possible if we wanted to be worthy enough to secure a husband? After all, it is my African friends in particular who are so infatuated by this.

Out of curiosity, I decided to ask a few male friends to get their perspective, and to try to make sense of it all. The men I queried were all of different ages, races, backgrounds and beliefs, and although some of them felt that a woman’s number shouldn’t be looked at in isolation. The majority were of the opinion that a woman’s body count does matter. Some even admitted that they would look at a woman differently if she had what they considered to be a high body count.  I must say, I was genuinely gobsmacked by some of their responses:

“To me personally it’s very important. I look at a woman very differently depending on the number of men she’s slept with and I don’t think the same applies to men. If a woman your age has slept with 15 men or more I consider her to be a bit of a slut” – anonymous male, age 28

“Yea, I do feel it’s important. Many guys would not take a woman seriously if they knew she’s been around. Hence why men like to be with a woman who isn’t very well known,” – anonymous male, age 26

“A key that can open many locks is a master key. But a lock that has been opened by many keys is worthless. Double standard, I’m afraid” – anonymous male, age 33

“Guys behind the scenes they talk about this stuff, particularly if they’re settling down with a girl. If they only want to be with her once, they don’t really care. In fact they nearly like that she’s been with loads of people because they know she’s easy and a sure thing. But for the purpose of taking her home to your parents, that’s a whole different ball game,” – anonymous male, age 33

“If you think about how men and women evolved sexually, you will see that it doesn’t really make sense for a female to be promiscuous. In fact, it can be detrimental,” – anonymous male, age 32

“Does it matter to whom? The individual? or society in general? In case of the individual, no it doesn’t matter. In the case of society, yes it does matter. It matters to men. It is best for a woman not to discuss it at all. No man wants to hear it,” – anonymous male, age 31

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what this says about society as a whole. But instead of concluding that this whole fixation with body count is down to culture and gender alone, I’ve decided to keep the topic open for discussion.

Thoughts?

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Posted on February 23, 2016

Uncovered: Can cheating ever be justified?

Uncovered

cheating satc 2

Before you start attacking me or accusing me of oppressing female sexuality again, just hear me out for a second here.

I re-watched the first Sex and the City film the other night and one of the scenes got me thinking about a topic I’ve been meaning to write about: cheating. A topic we’ve been conditioned to regard as being black and white with no grey area at all. Cheating is wrong and we should never excuse it, forgive it, or accept it, right?

Now for those of you who haven’t seen the film or just need to refreshen your memory, I’ll give you this particular storyline in a nutshell: Miranda, a career-driven woman who comes across as being very guarded and emotionless and her husband Steve, an easy going man who appears to be more in touch with his emotions, hit a bump in the road in their marriage: they stop having sex.

Now I can’t imagine this being out of the ordinary for a married couple especially with the pressure of work, children and other responsibilities. But a combination of zero spark in the bedroom and Miranda’s neglectful attitude towards her husband’s emotional needs causes him to have sex with another woman. He wasn’t confronted about his infidelity, nor he wasn’t keeping it a secret from her. He outright confessed his wrong doing and clearly felt awful for what he did.

cheat quote

I don’t condone cheating at all but from watching the series I know that it was completely out of character for Steve to do something like that and for some reason, my initial reaction to watching his confession was ‘how is she even surprised that he cheated?’  Now the fact that I don’t like Miranda could have played a part in why I reacted this way when I first watched the film. But it also made raise a rather intriguing question:  can cheating ever be justified? Are there ever instances where we can understand why it happens?

I mean in Miranda’s case, I do think she was a contribution to his behaviour.  I’m not saying she deserved what happened nor am I saying her contribution to his dishonesty justifies it. But because my initial reaction to him confessing was ‘how is she not surprised that he cheated,’ I want to know if I am alone on this matter and think it is a grey area.

We’re human, we’re flawed, we have many imperfections and we are going to slip every single day. But is cheating the kind of ‘slip’ that can ever be justified? Is there ever room for justifying one of the worst betrayals in a relationship, especially when vows have been said? It’s a tricky one.

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