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Sexuality

Posted on July 1, 2017

Sex On The Green

Sexuality/ youtube

 

I’ve been sitting on this video for about two weeks at this stage. Hemming and hawing about whether or not to go live with it. But today, I’ve finally found the courage to show you guys my latest project. This is something I’ve been meaning to launch for quite a while now and I realised if I don’t do it now, I’ll never do it so here it is…..

Sex On The Green is a new five part series that I’ll be launching on my YouTube channel in mid-July. The series revolves around me questioning people on St. Stephen’s Green about different taboos related to sex and dating. The conflicting viewpoints people have when it comes to sex and dating have always intrigued me. This interest grew particularly strong during my year of celibacy, when I received a surprising amount of negativity for choosing to abstain from sex for twelve months.

My growing fascination with societal attitudes towards dating paired with my desire to break the stigmas attached to people’s sexual choices led to the birth of Sex On The Green and I hope that in opening up a healthy discourse about the things we often talk about in a shameful way, it will help break the stigmas attached to people’s sexuality.

I had so much fun filming this video, so I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed making it! 🙂 A massive thank you to Kassi from www.justkassi.com for helping me with the videography! All feedback is welcomed x

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Disclaimer: I am not a sex blogger, nor am I a journalist. This is a project that I am really excited to be working on for my YouTube channel. It is a small fragment of the content I currently have up on my YouTube channel & blog, it doesn’t define my work as a whole. 

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Posted on June 26, 2017

New pride flag: divisive or inclusive?

Race/ Sexuality

I think it’s a really good idea, as inclusive as you can be! Because you wanna represent everybody and pride is all about including people and making people be happy with themselves

I recently discovered that a new pride flag was launched in Philadelphia in an attempt to fight racism and recognise LGBT people of colour. As it stands, the universal rainbow flag has six colours, each having their own separate meaning: life (red), healing (orange), sunlight (yellow), nature (green), serenity (blue) and spirit (violet).

In the redesigned rainbow flag, the colours black and brown have been added to include people of colour who feel they are under-represented in the gay community. Personally, I would have thought that the colour red (symbolising life) represented people in the LGBT community of all backgrounds and ethnicities especially since the original colours on the flag do not signify race.

However, I am a straight black woman so I don’t really think it’s my place to comment on any modifications to a flag that isn’t mine. So the curious cat in me took it upon herself to ask people of the LGBTQ+ community in Dublin what their thoughts are on this variation of the gay pride flag.

Here are some of the responses….

It has nothing to do with racial identity at all

 

I’m really iffy on it

 

Whatever flag you want is whatever flag you use

 

Pride is for everyone, it’s not race exclusive

 

I think it’s an absolutely positive development

 

I don’t think sexuality is about race, that’s a separate issue

Mainly the LGBT movement is about sexuality and freedom

 

Have you any thoughts on this variation of the rainbow flag? Comment below or tweet me @FilomenaKaguako 🙂

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Posted on November 29, 2016

Walk of shame or stride of pride? how these 10 men define the word ‘slut’

Sexuality/ Uncovered

slut-shaming

SLUT. WHORE. TRAMP. SLAG.

These are cheap digs women have used to tear each other down, often in an attempt to make themselves feel more valuable. These are words that boys have unfairly labelled girls after being rejected by a pursued love interest. The insult ‘slut’ and other variations of its kind, is quite possibly one the lowest forms of degradation for a woman – and not so much for a man. But why is that?

That is because men have always embraced going out on the pull and having as many one night stands as they please with little judgement. It has always been a badge of honour for a man to say he has scored a high number of sexual partners. While there has been significant progess in the feminist movement, the question as to whether or not women can do the same will always be up for debate.

Some would argue that women are not biologically built to have multiple sexual partner because of the emotional attachment that comes with sharing such an intimate moment with someone. Personally, I’ve always believed in consistent sex with one partner, so monogamy is a topic I will be touching on another time. But today, I want to dig deep into something I’ve been trying to define for a very long time now: What makes someone a slut? how exactly can does one define what or who a slut is?

slut-shaming-3

I am obsessed with this subject matter. I am both baffled and fascinated by how such a broad term has evolved to something that demeans women for being their sexual selves. What is equallying intriguing is how acceptable it is for women to playfully call each other sluts, yet when a man uses it in the same playful tone, he becomes the mysoginist.

I’ll be the first to admit the the word ‘hoe’ is a regular part of my vocabulary. It is not something I am proud of and I should probably work on it. But it is a word that myself and my close friends would often use to tease each other about our sexual adventures. We use the word so regularly and with so little thought that we have forgotten the connotations that come with the word.

So once again, I ask: what is a slut? Is a slut someone who doesn’t believe in sexual limitations? Is it someone who dresses provocatively?  Is it even about promiscuity at all? What is it and what constitutes of ‘slutty’ behaviour?

I’ve asked men of different ages and backgrounds to define the word ‘slut’ in their own words, these are some of their answers:

Someone who sleeps with anyone and everyone –  anonymous male age 31

A guy or girl who has sex with lots of randomers without protection is pretty slutty. Turns sex into something disposable – anonymous male age 27

People who are only attracted to people because of money, status and looks – anonymous male, age 27

Someone having sex often to boost her disastrously low self-esteem – anonymous male, age 34

A girl who has about three or four lads on the go every week – anonymous male, age 28

slut-shaming-2

And then the liberal-minded….

I’ve never really thought of it. I don’t ever consider people to be sluts, I guess if someone were to sleep with your friend, then that’s a slut – anonymous male, age 28

I’ve never considered a girl or woman to be a slut. A slut is someone who is usually misjudged, having been extra indulgent in sex as a means of satisfying or reaching a misplaced search within. To be a slut takes a kind of courage, but also it lacks another form on courage masks are mostly worn. Take ‘em off & you’ll realise everyone is a slut of some type. Sexual sluts, money sluts, control sluts, power sluts, food sluts, attention sluts – anonymous male, age 28

No such thing as a slut. Just unenlightened people – anonymous male, age 32

Everyone is free to sleep around. I don’t judge people who sleep around, but I do judge them if they do it in a wreckless manner like not being safe and not getting tested regularly because if they’re being promiscuous and have irregular partners then that is essentially spreading diseases – anonymous male, age 29

I don’t really consider anyone a slut, I’m all in favour of promiscuous behaviour – anonymous male,age 31

slut-shaming-4

Judging by the mixed responses here, it is fair to say that we have become more progressive as a society when it comes to female sexuality. I for one can hold my hand up to say that my perception of the word slut has changed with both time and age.

For years I’ve always believed that a slut is a woman who pursues a taken man. A woman who goes back and forth between sexual partners. A woman who constantly cheats on her man with little or no remorse. That is how I’ve always defined what I thought a ‘whore’ was.

But now, I think it goes a lot deeper than someone with loose morals. I think using the word in a way to offend or define someone is a skewed and small minded way of looking at things. Unless you use the word to describe a sex worker who gets paid to perform sexual activities, then the concept of “slut” isn’t real.

In my opinion, we will never come to a global agreement as to what or who a slut, a tramp or a whore actually is. There is no universal definition for it and the subjectivity of the word proves it doesn’t exist.

I may not be a slut by my definition, but I could easily be one to someone else. The bottom line is, we’re all sluts to someone out there! Happy hoeing gals! 🙂

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slut-shaming-1

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Posted on April 2, 2016

Uncovered: Body count matters

Sexuality/ Uncovered

body count

There are a few ways I could have written this article. The first, would have been to touch the topic on the surface and conclude that people who worry about body count (the number of sexual partners a person has) are usually from a narrow-minded culture who don’t see women and men as equal and think that a woman should never sleep with more men than she can count on both hands.  Either that or I could have just started with ‘Hi my name is Filomena and my body count is XXXX’ – throw in a few extra X’s for the shock factor  – and then just patiently waited for people who have absolutely no right to comment on how I live my life to pass judgment and make unnecessary remarks.

But see this is the thing, do we as humans ever have the right to define or police a person’s sexuality? No, we don’t, but we do it anyways. We have been brought up in a world where women in particular are deemed to be sluts if they have a high number of sexual partners.  She loses her value as a woman, she is no longer desirable or worthy of love because of course, the number of men she’s given her body to is a reflection of how much respect she has for herself.

But why is it always women? Why do women always get the short end of the stick? I can’t think of a single male who would ever be concerned about his body count. Heck, most of them don’t even know what theirs is! But God forbid a woman ever loses track of how many men she’s slept with – it is the crime of all crimes. You’re a woman. You’re supposed to know how many people you’ve had sex with. You’re supposed to keep your number low because like cars, your value decreases the more you’ve been ‘used.’

What saddens me the most is that certain cultures actually promote men to have multiple mates. They entitle it. And to me, this is where the whole body count craze becomes a gender thing.  They endorse the idea of men having several partners. In fact,men are praised for it because there is nothing degrading or belittling about having more than one partner if you have the ‘privilege’ of being a man. And it is usually the same people who worship men for their promiscuity that regard women with a high body count as whores.

master key

This brings me to another issue.

What exactly is a high body count? What I consider as high is very different to what you may regard as high. The notion ‘high body count’ varies from person to person. There is no global agreement as to what constitutes as a high body count number, so why do some of us hold it with so much significance?

I have a group of female friends who hold body count with remarkably high regard. Who believe that exceeding a certain number of sexual partners is something to be ashamed of.  This way of thinking made me raise all sorts of questions. For starters, is it just an African thing? Have we been conditioned to believe that as women of African descent, we should remain as pure as possible if we wanted to be worthy enough to secure a husband? After all, it is my African friends in particular who are so infatuated by this.

Out of curiosity, I decided to ask a few male friends to get their perspective, and to try to make sense of it all. The men I queried were all of different ages, races, backgrounds and beliefs, and although some of them felt that a woman’s number shouldn’t be looked at in isolation. The majority were of the opinion that a woman’s body count does matter. Some even admitted that they would look at a woman differently if she had what they considered to be a high body count.  I must say, I was genuinely gobsmacked by some of their responses:

“To me personally it’s very important. I look at a woman very differently depending on the number of men she’s slept with and I don’t think the same applies to men. If a woman your age has slept with 15 men or more I consider her to be a bit of a slut” – anonymous male, age 28

“Yea, I do feel it’s important. Many guys would not take a woman seriously if they knew she’s been around. Hence why men like to be with a woman who isn’t very well known,” – anonymous male, age 26

“A key that can open many locks is a master key. But a lock that has been opened by many keys is worthless. Double standard, I’m afraid” – anonymous male, age 33

“Guys behind the scenes they talk about this stuff, particularly if they’re settling down with a girl. If they only want to be with her once, they don’t really care. In fact they nearly like that she’s been with loads of people because they know she’s easy and a sure thing. But for the purpose of taking her home to your parents, that’s a whole different ball game,” – anonymous male, age 33

“If you think about how men and women evolved sexually, you will see that it doesn’t really make sense for a female to be promiscuous. In fact, it can be detrimental,” – anonymous male, age 32

“Does it matter to whom? The individual? or society in general? In case of the individual, no it doesn’t matter. In the case of society, yes it does matter. It matters to men. It is best for a woman not to discuss it at all. No man wants to hear it,” – anonymous male, age 31

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what this says about society as a whole. But instead of concluding that this whole fixation with body count is down to culture and gender alone, I’ve decided to keep the topic open for discussion.

Thoughts?

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